"A Cockeyed Optimist"

MLB Announces Boras Boycott

2012-01-19T00:27:00.000-08:00

USA, Jan 19, 2011
by nonMLB reporter Hachi Saito

Major League Baseball has announced a total boycott of sports super-agent Scott Boras, effective immediately.

"Scott has been an immense pain in our *** for years now," said a highly placed member of MLB on condition of cowardly anonymity. "What a total *******, I mean, geez, **** him and the horse that he rode in, the greedy son-**-*-*i***, *o**-**c**** d*****d."

A poorly-paid GM of a MLB team, who also spoke only if his quotes were sufficiently bleeped out, agreed with the anonymous official. "Boras gets 10% of his client's money, like any agent all around the world. But he is so ****a** focused on making that 10% as *****n* high as possible, he ends up holding not only his client hostage to his greed, he also holds each team, the teams he plays against each other, the General Managers of those teams, their cats, the field mice that those cats play with, and even the sunflower seeds eaten by those very field mice just as much hostage to his greed. It ain't good for the game."

Boras Boycotts have been considered as an official MLB response ever since Boras' historically horrifying megacontract for Alex Rodriguez back when he first hit the free agent market. Boras successfully tricked the Texas Rangers into paying $25 million a year for Rodriguez, leaving them approximately forty-seven cents to pay for everyone else on the team. The result was last-place finishes every year Rodriguez was in Texas.

"Even Enron couldn't have paid for that contract," said Rodriguez from his home in New York. He then flew a charter plane to his home in Brazil to continue his interview. "But Scott got $2.5 million from my contract alone." Rodriguez jumped atop a camel to travel to his home in Australia and then redialed us. "What were we talking about?" he said, and hung up to play with Madonna and Charlie Sheen.

# # #

Be A Mets Producer!

2011-12-21T09:27:00.000-08:00

SHEA STADIUM'S GRAVESITE, Dec 21, 2011 --
The New York Mets have teamed up with the legendary team of Bialystock and Bloom to raise capital for their horribly ailing team's finances.

Former accountant Leo Bloom is peddling 4% shares in the NY Mets for a mere pittance of $20 million. "I'll be sure to get you a receipt as soon as Staples opens in the morning," said Bloom in a phone interview from his office, which he claims is located somewhere in Trump Towers, or the Empire State Building, depending on from where his callerID says you are calling from.

The Mets, who recently added another $40 million bank loan to their previous $25 million debt to Major League Baseball, also announced they had lost $70 million this year due to their team's lousy performance, the operating expenses for their lousy new ballpark Citifield, and their intense attempts to damage control their connection to Bernie Madoff's $100 gazillion Ponzi Scheme in which Mets owners Fred Wilpon and Saul Katz literally lost their shirts.

Recently both men have been spotted selling Gabrila's Kosher knishes from a pushcart just outside of Rockefeller Center. Sales dropped precipitously when their sign indicated each knish would cost $8 million, and sodas $2 million.

The team is currently valued at about $1.75 (that's one dollar and seventy five cents) by Moody's and roughly twenty-eight cents by Standard and Poors.

MLBaseball Announce Expansion of Teams, Playoffs, Leagues, and Egos

2011-11-19T23:51:00.000-08:00

Major League Baseball announced today that the baseball season will be expanded to 365 games.

"Everyone loves baseball," gushed MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "Hockey? Who gives a crap? Basketball? The games should be only ten minutes long, because the entire crowd is asleep until those last moments. Football? Those sissy players only do one game a week. What's left? Jai-Alai? Wife-swapping? Pppfht. Americans want more baseball, and since all other team sports are crap, we are gonna give it to them."

Under the new season, which will begin immediately in 2012, every team will play every other 75 times. The leagues will be expanded to create a third major league, with seventeen teams in each of three divisions (except for the Galactic West Division, which will hold four teams).

The current debate over a one-game Wild Card playoff has been completely dissolved. Under the new revised baseball season, nine division title winners and three wild card teams will begin the previous year's title fight on April 1 of the following year. Working backwards, the new names for each title bout have been decided, following the previous naming standards:

World Series Champion
Ultimate Division Series Champions I, II
Intermediate Multiverse League Championship Series Victor I, II, III
Prince Philip of Macedonia Winner of Partial Winning Thingy I, II, III, IV
Wild Mushroom and Risotto Primary Leading Chieftain and Grand Inspector of Buillion

Applications for new teams are being accepted immediately by the newly formed Office of Intergalactic Baseball League Formation.

# # #

Mets Officially Cancel Rest of 2011 Season

2011-09-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

Faced with a disheartening lack of interest not only from the fans, but also from their own players, their opponents, and even the guys who sell beer and hot dogs at CitiField, the New York Mets officially announced they are cancelling the rest of the 2011 baseball season.

"It just didnt' make any sense to keep playing," said Mets GM Sandy Alderson. "Running this joint costs more than it costs to keep 'Spiderman' on Broadway, and we don't have some big shot like Bono paying the bills to stay open. No, we are better off cancelling the rest of this crummy season now, and start our off-season a little early."

Mets manager Terry Collins concurred. "David Wright just doesn't give a damn anymore, and I gotta say that I can't blame him," said Collins. "David is a great dude, one of the best players in the game, and he is so fed up with how bad our team is that he just can't stay focused. It'll be best for him to shut it down now, take the extra time to travel, maybe backpack across Nepal and meet up with Ra's Al-Ghul for some Batman training in the Himalayas. It'll do him a helluva lot more good than playing a pissed-off third base."

Fred Glynn, a 22-year Mets veteran at selling Nathan's Hot Dawgs in the stands, applauded the decision. "Thank God," he hissed. "I don't have to come back tomorrow? I can look for another job and not have to watch this team drag their sorry asses around the diamond no more? Hallelujer." Glynn then turned his hot dog water box upside down, dumping out all of the contents over several rows of empty seats. Predictably, there was nobody else in the stadium even to dive for the bouncing wieners.

Mets Anti-Bullying Campaign Poster Boys

2011-08-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

FLUSHING, NY -- The New York Mets officially requested all the teams in the National League to stop bullying them in an official press release today.

"We're really tired of being pushed around by the big kids in Philadelphia, Atlanta, and Washington DC," whined Sandy Alderson, sporting a black eye and multiple marks on his arms from pokes, pinches, and Indian Burns. He also winced and flinched any time a microphone got too close to his nipples, indicating he may also have suffered from the dreaded Titty Twister or Purple Nurple.

Major League Baseball's disciplinary chief, Dusty Baker, appeared to be stifling multiple fits of giggles as he appeared in support of the Mets plight. "Hee hee hee," said Baker. "There is no place in baseball for bullying. Hee hee hee. Excuse me. The Mets have been working very hard at not being worst, but still, their players are showing up on the field with too many unexplained hazing marks."

Baker switched on a slide show showing real photos of the Mets players currently on the disabled list. All of them looked as if they had been crying, but were putting on their Brave Faces for the cameras. Ike Davis, their power-hitting first basemen who supposedly has been on the disabled list for a badly sprained ankle, was seen in a photo surrounded by Yankee players, whose postures indicated they were preparing to give him a massive wedgie. And Johan Santana, their pitching ace who has been on the disabled list for nearly a year with a supposed rotator cuff injury, was caught on camera being shoved around by members of the Los Angeles Dodgers, each of whom had shiny fingers indicating potential wet willies on the horizon.

Major League Baseball has officially stated they are against all incidents of bullying, hazing, etc. However, they also stressed that they also do not like a tattle-tale. The entire crowd of reporters mumbled and nodded agreement, and Alderson's face turned an extremely bright shade of red at this point.

"Unless, of course, you're tattling on Bernie Madoff," blurted out Alderson.

# # #

Tribute to the Immortal #42

2011-06-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

I was fortunate enough to finally visit CitiField and the enormous vestibule, and was enormously moved by the giant #42 in shiny gigantic blue numerals beneath the escalators.

I grew up watching the man who wore that number had his heyday, playing practically every day, underappreciated by the world but beloved by his teammates.

My eyes choked with emotion when I realized that the Mets finally showed they cared incredibly about every one of their players, all the men who toiled in a Mets uniform for so many years, and so many of those years displaying ludicrously bad records and daily humiliation before the rest of the league.

By commemorating the man who wore #42, the Mets pay homage to every one of their players since their first year in 1962, the man who represents everything that it means to be a Met.

#42, the unforgettable, hard-working, and long-suffering legend:

#42. Ron Hodges. Mets backup catcher. For his entire frikkin' career.

Nobody else in Mets history wore #42 more proudly or made more of an impact than #42, Ron Hodges.

Tears run freely down my face, drip off of my chin, and stain hot little salty droplets upon my tee shirt when I realize that every team in baseball also understands how important backup catchers like Mets #42, Ron Hodges, is to the very foundation of baseball.

We salute you, Mets #42, Ron Hodges, backup catcher for nearly the worst Met teams in history. And we salute you, Fred Wilpon and CitiField and everyone involved in building the new Mets baseball stadium, for ensuring that Mets history is paid proper respect in the brand new ballpark.

Keisuke Hoashi
Mets Fan since 1974

Mets and Bisons Swap Rosters

2011-06-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK, June 5 -- The New York Mets have succumbed to the inevitable and have officially swapped teams with their AAA affiliate, the Buffalo Bisons.

Effective immediately, the two teams will switch everything, with the Bisons traveling to Milwaukee for the opening of the major league team's road trip. The Mets, who were expecting a day off today, must all scramble to get a ticket on a bus out of Port Authority Bus Terminal for the Bisons' game tonight against Gwinnet. Gwinett? Guinette?

The move was prompted by the benching of former slugger Jason Bay, and the possible leg injury to Carlos Beltran. Bay has been hitting .0001 this season with -15 home runs and -44 runs batted in. Beltran was hitting well for the first time in three years, but fouled a ball off his leg, shattering his leg brace and leaving a big boo-boo on the tender flesh below.

They will join on the Very Expensive Injured Regular List (VEIRL) first baseman Ike Davis, who had been the team's most prolific slugger, and third baseman David Wright, whom had been equally productive as Davis while going for the single season strikeout record.

"Hell," said manager Terry Collins in his typically blunt manner. "We got the damn Bisons playing every position here anyway. Why the hell not switch? Maybe a Bison won't collapse in the seventh inning every freakin' day."

Perennial Bison team members currently on the Met roster include first baseman Daniel Murphy; second baseman Ruben Tejada; third baseman Justin Turner; reserve infielder Nick Evans; outfielders Jason Pridie and Angel Pagan; and pretty much the entire pitching staff.

# # #

Mets Tie for Last Place

2011-05-16T12:14:00.001-07:00

HOUSTON, TX, May 15 -- With today's victory over the painfully bad Houston Astros, the New York Mets have pulled into a tie for last place in the National League Eastern Division. They now share the bottom spot in their five-team division with the perennial losers of the entire league, the Washington Nationals.

After being in sole possession of last place for almost the whole season, the team is now in danger of climbing into 4th place.

"It's a real bummer," said Mets left fielder Jason Bay, who has been contributing mightily to the goal by hitting .022 over his past several games. "It's really hard to keep striking out all the time, like David Wright has been doing. You swing and sometimes the wood stick hits the little round white thing, and sometimes the other team doesn't catch it, and you gotta stay on the bases. Then one thing leads to another, and poof, suddenly you've scored a run, and then poof, you win a game."

Mets third baseman David Wright has been pursuing the all-time single season strikeout goal as part of the team's overall campaign. He added onto his total in yesterday's victory, bringing his total for 2011 up to 43 in 146 at-bats for a strikeout average of .294. The current king is Baltimore's Mark Reynolds, who whiffed an amazing 223 times in 578 at-bats for Arizona in 2009, posting a .386 strikeout average -- a full 126 points higher than his batting average that season.

"I can really help the team into the cellar if I go for that record," said Wright. "I'm going to start closing my eyes when I swing, and hope the the Force is not with me."

First baseman Ike Davis went on the Disabled List with two ankle injuries last week. Davis has been the team's best hitter and fielder, but his strikeout average was a pitiful .240, over 60 points lower than his .302 batting average. "The team doctor pointed out that I can help the team into last place best from the DL," said Davis. "I've been trying to get with the program and miss the little round white thing with the wood stick, but I guess I'm just not good enough yet."

The Mets continue their trek to the bottom tonight at CitiField against the second-place Florida Marlins tonight. Against pitcher Josh Johnson, with 55 Ks in 53 innings pitched this season, the Mets are well positioned to meet their goal.

# # #

Mets-Bisons: Aliens Cause Tommy John Surgery

2011-05-02T22:27:00.000-07:00

BUFFALO, NEW YORK, EH, May 2 -- Seventeen extraterrestrial poachers were captured and detained yesterday after they raided the locker room of the Buffalo Bisons baseball club. They were determined to be after the medial collateral ligaments of all of the pitchers on the team.

Bisons starter Jenrry Mejia was the only casualty, as the Area 51 SWAT team helicoptered in just too late to prevent the aliens from gassing the team, dumping the pitchers onto the training tables, and running the not too delicate operation on the young pitcher. Mejia's mind was immediately wiped clear of the memories of the alien and was sent home with an implanted story about tearing his ligament during a game or something.

"These buggers find the MCL give the best flavor for their Orion-style curries," said SWAT team member Alpha-Two. "They discovered it by accident when their first ship landed here in the 40s in a hospital morgue. Alien teams of foragers were out looking for protein to replenish their on-ship stocks, and thought they had simply found a meat locker."

"Dude, gross," said SWAT team member Alpha-Six. He flipped up his helmet's one-way blast shield just enough to vomit into the team's jock strap hamper, then resumed his post guarding the surviving eight extraterrestrials.

"Ballplayers have always been the top choice for ET gourmands," continued Alpha-One. "They got Mets pitcher RA Dickey years ago, and brainwashed him into thinking he had simply been born without one of those MCLs in his elbow. Cost him a million dollar signing bonus, too. What a pity."

Mejia may be looking at undergoing Tommy John surgery to repair the damage caused by the aliens. Major League Baseball is currently investigating the possibility that aliens are the root cause of all of the Mets organization's woes.

# # #

Mets: Minor League Garden of Eden

2011-04-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

Incredible news about Mets minor league prospect Reese Havens' rib surgery has emerged. According to reports in the Garden of Eden World News and Report (TGOEWN&R), Havens' "rib tip" surgery has actually spawned a recurrence of the Adam and Eve legend.

Publicly announced as "rib tip syndrome", a condition in which one rib rubs against another, Dr William Clancy reportedly shaved off a bit of the rib in question to solve the problem. Now it appears that the "bit of rib" was actually an entire one.

The rib was rushed to a comfortable bed with a very nice eiderdown comforter. It has since grown into the form of a beautiful young woman, who has reportedly named herself "Evangelique," but will respond to the name "Eve".

Havens finally revealed the truth behind the entire matter in a confidential exclusive with reporter Martin Asp of TGOEWN&R under hypnosis, amobarbital, and overt threats of excommunication.

"I was walking in the outfield, just getting my work in, when the clouds over center field opened up and this huge dude with a beard popped up and waved to me," said Havens. "Then this gigantic snake slid down the left field foul pole and hissed, and the top of the pole erupted in apples the size of basketballs, which the snake started whipping at me with its tail. It was the best agility drill I've ever been put through."

"The scoreboard kept tally, and at the end, it read Havens 25, Sssserpent 0," continued Havens. "The snake and the apples vanished and the big dude in the clouds applauded. I said something like, 'Man, I wish I had a girlfriend who could have seen this,' and the big dude looked really thoughtful for a minute, and then he reached down and poked me in the side with his huge dude hand. I mean, it was almost as big as Albert Pujols' hand."

When asked when he realized he had been growing a woman in his side, Havens said "when I started putting the toilet seat down in the locker room. Boy, you shoulda heard my teammates bitching afterwards. Good thing my manager realized that was a symptom of something being really, really wrong with me, and summoned the Exorcist."

Havens is still recovering from the procedure and is currently on the Mets disabled list. Eve is reportedly nagging her supervisors for apples.

# # #

Mets: Reyes and Wright Sign 100-Year Extensions

2011-04-22T00:26:00.000-07:00

CITIFIELD, NEW YORK, April 21 -- Mets shortstop Jose Reyes and third baseman David Wright made history today by signing 100-year contract extensions that would ensure they not only end their careers as Mets, but also their natural lives and beyond.

With yesterday's game marking the 800th start he and Reyes have done together, Mets GM Sandy Alderson and owner Fred Wilpon decided it was time to lock up their two franchise players for the long, long, long term.

"A-Rod's agent can suck it," said Alderson. "And so can Ryan Braun's." Braun yesterday signed a contract extension through the year 2020, 8 years beyond the 2012 deadline for the Earth according to the brilliant prediction documentary, "2012" starring Dr. John Cusack.

Reyes has been an ongoing topic of speculation due to his pending free agent status at the end of this season. "This will hopefully shut the offending pieholes of bad journalists, who shall remain nameless, who think it's a good idea to let one of the best players on a team to walk away just because they don't like him," said Wilpon. "Jose is one of the elite players in baseball, not to mention the best fielding shortstop I've seen since Rey Ordonez. Bad journalists give me hives."

Under the new deals, both Wright and Reyes will continue as on-field players for at least the next ten years. They will have a five-year option following that to continue those roles, or to transition to bench players if deemed best for the team by whomever is managing by then. Once they retire from active playing, they will automatically take positions for the next fifteen years as coaches, mentors, managers, or whatever position is found most suitable for their skills and desires. Following will be 30 years of employment in the front office, or in the scouting department, or they may take some of their accumulated salary from this 100-year deal to buy the team.

Funeral arrangements will place their graves and bodies under their respective positions on CitiField's diamond.

# # #

Mets: Parnell's Middle Finger Diagnosis Flips Up

2011-04-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

CITY, NEW YORK, THE, April 21 -- Mets pitcher Bobby Parnell has finally fessed up to the circumstances surrounding his mysterious middle finger numbness, which landed him on the disabled list yesterday.

Traffic cameras throughout the borough of Queens have captured more than 225 images of Parnell behind the wheel of his Mike Piazza Special SUT. In each one, Parnell is clearly flipping the bird.

Not only has Parnell been flipping off other drivers, but also pedestrians crossing too slowly, bicycle delivery boys, airplanes, the sun for reflecting off the windshield, and even a baby in a stroller (and her mother).

Dr. Foc Yoo of the NY Institute for Finger Ailments was astonished. "I'm astonished," said Dr. Yoo after seeing the images. "The sheer volume of middle finger raising demonstrated by Mr. Parnell is the same as an entire third grade class over an entire year. It's no wonder he developed a blood clot in that fingertip. It's remarkable that he still has a middle finger tip at all any more -- there is a distinct, measurable amount of pressure caused by snapping one's middle finger up in traffic situations, and he could easily have eroded that nail down to the bone."

Reporters gathered around Parnell's locker with this evidence were immediately greeted by a double F.U. gesture from Parnell.

# # #

Mets: Feeding the Saarlac

2011-04-19T13:12:00.001-07:00

The Mets continued to dismantle their dismantled roster today by adding disgraced second baseman Brad Emaus to their list of players sent to feed the Saarlac, located in the Great Pit of Karkoon on the planet Tattooine.

"Aaaaaaaa," screamed Emaus as he and his .0012 batting average were hurled from Anderson the Hutt's sand barge into the spiky, dusty maw of the buried monster. "I'd rather be in Toronto!" he added in a fading echo.

Emaus joins demoted pitcher Pat Misch in the belly of the Saarlac, where they will keep each other company as they are digested over a thousand years.

Sitting by the scantily-clad Princess Leia by their master's grotesquely misshapen tail were the inhabitants of the Mets Disabled List, which currently includes $44-million-dollar-man Jason Bay, ex-super-prospect Fernando Martinez, recovering vampire and steroid user Ronnie Paulino, pending re-injured arm person Chris Young, and Tommy John surgery victim Boof Bonser. "Hoh hoh hoh hoh," laughed the Hutt. "All will end up in my pet's bowels if they don't get well soon. Hoh hoh hoh hoh."

Back in the Mets dugout, there is a new list posted next to the daily lineup. Entitled "Saarlac Snax", the following player names have been spotted: Lucas Duda, Blaine Boyer, Mike Pelfrey, Mike Nickeas, Daniel Murphy, Jerry Hairston.

Calls to Luke Skywalker were returned with rude comments about the state of the Mets. Comments most unfit for a Jedi.

# # #

Mets: The Future of MLB Pitching Rotations

2011-04-18T12:08:00.001-07:00

The New York Mets implemented the next obvious phase in major league baseball pitching rotations on Sunday.

As of Tuesday's game against the Astros, the Mets will be going with a 10-man regular pitching rotation. Each pitcher will throw a minimum of four innings and a maximum of five. In addition, all pitchers will be considered to be "available" out of the bullpen at all times, providing a nine-pitcher relief staff.

"Today's pitchers are incapable of throwing more than 99 pitches effectively," wailed Sandy Alderson, Mets General Manager. "That barely translates into four innings these days. I miss Tom Seaver, who planned on throwing an average of 12 pitches an inning and expected to throw complete games every time he went out there. Sigh," sighed Alderson, sighing miserably.

The primary advantage to this new approach was analyzed by Mets legendary hitter, first baseman, broadcaster, and mustache model Keith Hernandez. "Most hitters do best against weak starting pitchers, which is all the Mets have right now, the third time through the lineup," said 'Mex.' "This new rotation will prevent that deadly 3rd time around from happening, and allow the Mets to present the most effective pitching options the maximum amount of times."

Mets manager Terry Collins, known for innovative managing strategies, knew he had to throw out the standard book of baseball in order to get his struggling team out of last place. "I also tore that book up, shredded the pieces, burned the fragments in a compost bucket, peed on the ashes, and put the remains on the last ship of the Galactica fleet as it headed into the sun for final incineration," said Collins. "Look, I know it's a weird approach, but ya gotta work with what you got. And all I got right now are pitchers who can't get more than fifteen out of 27 outs."

Every starting pitcher from Buffalo has been called up, and all relievers on the big club have been tied up and chained to the ships of the Galactica fleet, solving all roster issues. The additional spots will be awarded to every spare second basemen in the Mets organization.

# # #

Congress Passes Anti Troll Bill

2011-04-07T15:42:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC, APRIL 7 -- In a rare show of solidarity, both the house and senate unanimously passed the first ever Anti Troll Bill.

"We were wasting time on this budget idiocy and government shutdown nonsense, and needed one of them feel-good breaks," said 51st state Congressman Jimmy Kennedy. "I proposed this bill after reading with horror all of the hateful, cowardly notes on the MLB.com message boards about the Mets 10-zip loss to the Phillies today. I thought, hey, that isn't cool, people have gotta be held accountable for what they say."

The bill would not outlaw trolling on Internet message boards, as that would be an unforgivable violation of the first Amendment's Free Speech clauses. However, convicted trolls will be required to post their faces, names, addresses, phone numbers, fingerprints, DNA samples, voiceprints, and Frequent Flyer numbers on every post they make from now on, they will all be tracked every nanosecond in the CyberPoliced Troll Database.

"The new law will force Trolls to prove they can take it, as well as dish it out, by legally eliminating their cowardly hiding behind generic Facebook icons," said Kennedy. "It's kind of a variation of gramma's old saying, 'if you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all.' Trolls by definition can't do either, and have been getting away with it. It's time to put an end to their trolliness once and for all."

Retired Republican and Democratic professional blowhards were quick to jump on the anti-troll bandwagon. "I've hated trolls ever since seeing them opening the gates to Mordor in 'The Return of the King,'" said Republican reality TV failure Sarah Palin. The Democrat who was supposed to be quoted after her was unavailable for comment, as his head exploded immediately after Palin's comment.

Dr. Will Smith-Smythe of Mars University, author of "Trolls: Get off the friggin' Internet Already", a treatise on the effect of mean comments on internet message boards, notes that this is a real step forward for society overall. "Ever since the first text-based message boards, there have been schmucks who use the anonymity to hide their faces, but to expose their deepest prejudices," said Dr. SS. "Up until now, these 'trolls' faced no consequences for saying nasty, mean, ignorant babblings. With this new law, we may finally be free to have actually discussions about how much the Mets suck!"

# # #

Mets: DiComo Reports Wright and Reyes Days Dwindling

2011-04-04T18:10:00.001-07:00

MARS, SOL SYSTEM, April 4 -- Anthony DiComo, writer for MLB.com, has reported Mets superstars David Wright and Jose Reyes are experiencing severe marital problems and could be headed for splitsville any day now.

In an article entitled "Days could be numbered for Wright-Reyes Duo", DiComo used his extensive reporting skills and complete objectivity to report tearful confrontations among the two players.

"Reyes was complaining because Wright never complimented him on his rotating hairstyles," reported DiComo. "Wright retaliated by wailing that Reyes didn't do the little things anymore, like feeding him the ball on 6-5-4-3 double plays, or coming home to play smooth jazz after a long day on the field."

MLB.com later changed the title to "Wright Reyes Duo remains the heartbeat of the Mets", effectively skewering the remains of this sarcastic blog post. The headline writer, whom is often different from the article writer, has been reassigned to covering sewage stories around the now-closed Fresh Kills city dump on Staten Island.

# # #

Mets: FCC Announces Homer Broadcaster Penalties

2011-04-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

MARLINTOWN, FLORIDA, April 2 -- Rich Waltz and Tommy Hutton, the television broadcast team of the Florida Marlins, were formally charged by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) for violating the Code of Baseball Broadcasters during the first two games of the 2011 baseball season.

"These two broadcasters repeatedly and knowingly spent both games being what is known as 'homers.' They were openly cheering for their team, the Marlins, while simultaneously making ongoing sneering, sarcastic, and unprofessional remarks against the Marlins opponents, the New York Mets," said chief of the FCC, Ivan Gottastickupmiash. "The FCC can tolerate a lot from a baseball broadcaster, as evidenced by our allowing knuckleheads like Joe Morgan to keep his job for so many years. But when a so-called professional broadcaster starts sounding like a drunken frat boy cheering for his man-crush third baseman in a TGI Friday's, it's time for the FCC to save the universe and slap them down like a mosquito."

Waltz and Hutton will be monitored for the rest of the season by an FCC official, Ham the Space Chimp. Any unauthorized 'homer' statements will be immediately punished by the official delivering an electrical shock to the soles of the broadcasters' feet.

"Ham is a real veteran at discipline," said Gottastickupmiash. "Sometimes he gets a little excited and starts hitting that red button like he's at a KISS concert, but he usually stops when the offending broadcaster is crying openly."

# # #

Mets: Vampire Catcher Diagnosed

2011-04-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

TRANSYLVANIA, FLORIDA, April 2 -- Doctors today revised their diagnosis of New York Mets backup catcher Ronnie Paulino.** Dr. Gregory House of Princeton Plainsboro Hospital in Baltimore, MD made a special trip down south to consult; and as a result, Paulino was diagnosed today with a mild case of porphyria, aka "the Vampire Disease".

"The fangs should have really given it away," sneered Dr. House as he revved his motorcycle in the Mets on-deck circle in Digital Domain Park. "These Florida doctors wasted their medical school years watching crap like 'Twilight', instead of classics like 'Nosferatu' and 'Blacula', so they don't have a clue to what a real vampire looks like. They thought since Ronnie didn't twinkle in sunlight, that means he's anemic. Morons."

"A couple of doctors said it was anemia," said Paulino from inside of the coffin where he lives during spring training. "I'm really relieved that this is nothing so dangerous to my overall health and well being. Just give me a couple of very Bloody Marys, some One-A-Day for women, and my iron level will be back up to where it should be in no time."

The interview was interrupted briefly when Sarah Michelle Gellar suddenly appeared amongst the press corps, brandishing what appeared to be a really big sharpened pencil. Paulino defused the situation by turning into a large black bat -- the BWP Maple "Mr Nasty" model, similar to the one used by Barry Bonds -- and swinging himself in his own defense.

According to Wikipedia, which is renowned for its 100% accurate informational content, sufferers of acute porphyria show the following symptoms:

"The acute, or hepatic, porphyrias primarily affect the nervous system, resulting in abdominal pain, vomiting, acute neuropathy, muscle weakness, seizures, and mental disturbances, including hallucinations, depression, anxiety, and paranoia. Cardiac arrhythmias and tachycardia (fast heart rate) may develop as the autonomic nervous system is affected. Pain can be severe and can, in some cases, be both acute and chronic in nature. Constipation is frequently present, as the nervous system of the gut is affected, but diarrhea can also occur."

Calls to Dr. Vladimir Stoker of the Intergalactic Porphyia Institute added additional details to the disease. "Bleh," said Dr. Stoker.

** Mr Paulino, my apologies for using your condition for a satirical post. I mean you no disrespect and I sincerely hope you get well quickly -- and immediately hit ten home runs in a row against Marlin pitching for the Mets!

Mets: Alien Ailments Afflicting All Jasons

2011-03-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

PAWHT SAINT LUUCY, March 28 -- Extraterrestrial infection has been identified as the cause of the multiple maladies suddenly afflicting all Mets named "Jason," according to Dr. Tardis of team's medical staff.

Jason Bay was scratched from the lineup two days ago with back stiffness, which has since spread to his ribs with alarming speed. Upon closer metaMRI scans, Dr. Tardis discovered a 22-cm Arrakis sandworm chewing its way around the periphery of Bay's short ribs, its tiny little diamond serrated teeth scraping them clean as it feeds.

Treatment will include two bottles of Brook's House of BBQ Fiery Goodness Rib sauce. "It's no big deal," said Bay from his hospital bed, not even looking up from his copy of Dune by Frank Herbert. "They stick in a little tube right around my navel, and run the other end into the BBQ sauce. I hope it draws the little bugger quickly, so we can save that second bottle for some short rib tacos."

Jason Isringhausen has been dealing with a problem in his throwing elbow which was originally believed to be related to his recovery from Tommy John surgery, in which a ligament is repurposed from somewhere less important in his body to replace the one he had torn in his elbow. Now, Dr. Tardis' examination has discovered a micro mini quantum black hole nestled deep within the remaining cartilage.

"The singularity is robbing my elbow of an electron here and there," explained Isringhausen. "So it's not big enough to steal actual cartilage molecules, it is still changing the quantum state of the individual atoms of those connective tissues."

Exotic elements have spontaneously appeared throughout Isringhausen's injured joint, including Americum, Selenium, Arsenic, Krypton, and Neodynium. All are easily explained through the random removal of electrons causing fluctuations in his body's quantum states, and providing enough energy for unusual fusions of heavy atomic nucleii, resulting in the new elements.

"I was kinda hoping he could fuse us some gold," quipped Mets owner Fred Wilpon. "Our bank account could sure use an infusion of alchemically created precious metal."

Dr. Tardis will chase down the micro black hole and remove it before it accidentally synthesizes any kind of anabolic steroid -- the one substance that all ballplayers fear.

# # #

Mets: Beltran to Weaken Braves or Marlins

2011-03-28T15:03:00.001-07:00

PORT SAINT LUCY, March 28 -- Continuing their clandestine efforts to weaken their division rivals, a leaky faucet in the Mets front office has revealed their primary and backup plan of "Operation Addition by Subtraction".

In these exclusive documents, it was revealed the team's plans to improve themselves continue with the two other mid-division teams, the Braves and the Marlins.

Mets assumed right fielder Carlos Beltran will be the centerpiece of either move. "Should the team release Beltran and his take the hit for the $17 million remaining on his current contract," states the document, "the penny-pinching Marlins will not be able to contain themselves from leaping at the chance to grab a former All-Star for the league minimum of $48 bucks."

Plan B of the Operation discussed way to tempt the Braves, formerly the Mets' primary nemesis, to take on the far-too-often-injured outfielder. "Since money is not the primary criterion used by the Braves in building a team," states the document, "tempting them to grab away Beltran will require more finesse. The Braves have shown through the years a decided addiction to signing the Mets 'castoffs', and retreading them into better ballplayers. This will be the key to weakening the Braves while improving our team by getting rid of Beltran.

"A dedicated anti-Met smear campaign should be circulated well in advance of our release of this player," (it continues) "spreading a fiction that the Mets have 'given up' on Beltran, using such phrases as 'no heart' or 'no cojones' or 'soft' or 'if you can't succeed as a Met, you can't succeed anywhere, not even as an Atlanta Brave.'"

Beltran has played in one spring training game this year. While this is more than enough for most major league players to get themselves into playing condition, he has also reported brand new aches, pains, and possible injuries to his clandestinely surgically repaired knees. Beltran then sat out the rest of the spring, enraging his fellow veteran teammates, because all of them wanted to sit around all spring, too.

Representatives of the Marlins and Braves were not contacted for comment on this story, as it is total fiction. Just like the stories that the Mets deliberately released Oliver Perez to decimate the pitching rotation of the Washington Nationals, and Luis Castill to ruin the infield and bench of the Philadelphia Phillies. And yet ...

# # #

Mets: Weakening Your Rivals is Pure Sun-Tzu

2011-03-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, NY, March 25 -- Documents discovered buried in a pit beneath the old Shea Stadium have revealed the Mets front office strategy for winning the NL East title in 2011.

A tattered translation of "The Art of War" by the legendary Sun-Tzu was unearthed by little Billy Smith of Smithtown, NY, with a postit note stuck between pages 1,223 and 4. An arrow on the postit pointed at the following sentence in the book: "To win a battle before it is even battled, weaken your rivals."

Additional scribbles in the margin beneath were deciphered and read "Ollie", "Slappy", and "Willie".

"Whomever owned this copy of this classic book of war strategy must be very pleased," said Asian American Detective Billy Smith of the NYPD. "Everyone knows the Phillies are the team to beat, with their 19 Cy Young Award calibre pitchers. Somehow, they now have one of the oldest and worst second basemen on their team -- Luis "Slappy" Castillo -- which was made possible only because the Mets went against all financial sense and cut him loose."

Smith went on. "The Mets were so bad last year, they were challenging the Nationals for last place. And now, one of the big reasons they stunk -- "Ollie" Perez, possibly the worst pitcher in the league -- is now with those same Nationals. $12 million and now he plays for a competitor?"

The only rational explanation is, according to world-renowned sociologist Harry Jones, the Mets invested that $18 million in an attempt to weaken their rivals. "They make the teams around them worse, which will inevitably make them look better by comparison," said Jones. "It's exactly the same as bringing your own ugly dude friend to a bar with you: chicks will see you as 'the good looking one' and your friend as 'the ugly dude', rather than your own ugliness eclipsing all like it normally does."

"They attempted to fire Willie Randolph at the same time Braves managerial legend Bobby Cox was going to retire," revealed Jones, quoting metaphysical sources. "They didn't quite time that right, but they still managed to put Willie in a coaching position with another NL rival, the Brewers, where he promptly made them a worse team."

The Phillies odds of winning the division dropped by seventeen points as soon as Castillo joined them; the Nationals plunged 45%; and now that the Baltimore Orioles have former Mets manager Randolph on their staff, they are now expected to finish dead last in the AL West -- and extraordinary condemnation of their position, considering they play in the AL East.

Baseball: The Pujols Courting Officially Begins

2011-03-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

FLORIDA, March 24 -- The richest teams in baseball have begun their wooing of the best player in baseball, Albert Pujols.

The Yankees, the Red Sox, the Cubs, and the Phillies all sent lavish bouquets of hundred-dollar bills to Pujols during yesterday's loss to the Mets. (The Mets normally would have joined the race, however, due to their well-publicized financial woes, that team was only able to send a $19.99 bouquet from Edible Arrangements.)

Pujols has allegedly demanded a ten-year contract for $30 million per year from the St Louis Cardinals, the only team for which he has ever played. A team spokesperson, on the condition of anonymity, said "Holy s*it. You're kidding. Thirty f*cking million bucks a year? To afford that, we'd have to play without outfielders. And infielders. And maybe only three pitchers. I mean, holy f*cking s*hit. Damn."

Pujols, already filthy rich from his previous 7-year, $100+million contract, immediately re-gifted the $10,000 bouquets to his favorite clubhouse attendants and the ball girl. He shared the Mets Edible Arrangements with manager Tony LaRussa, saying, "mmmm, pineapple." In response, Mets first baseman Ike Davis immediately began taking ground balls at second base.

Mets: Bay Explains the Sign of Change

2011-03-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

DUH, FLORIDA, 3/21 -- Jason Bay reports that he has chosen to simplify his approach to batting.

"When I came to the Mets, I decided that I was better off changing everything I've done before," said Bay. "You know, how I hold the bat, where I hold it, why I hold it, that kind of thing. It's what got me that $66 million contract last year. But then I was visiting a friend in Los Angeles right after I signed, and I saw this homeless bum on the street with a cardboard sign with the word 'CHANGE' on it. My agent and my astrologer and my psychic Chihuahua were in the car with me, and we all agreed that it was definitely a Sign."

The result of that Sign of Change: the worst season of Bay's career, even more humiliating than his performance as a 2-year-old in Tee-Ball. The young Bay struck out five times in a row despite the fact that in Tee-Ball, the ball sits on a tee about one foot away from you. The Guiness Book of World Records refused to include this occurrence because even they couldn't believe how awful that little kid was.

Dave Hudgens, the new Mets batting coach for this year, explained how he got Bay back on track. "Basically, I got really tired of seeing him swinging like a lumberjack with arthritis," said Hudgens. "I said yo Bay, how did you ever hit 30 homers with that arthritic lumberjack swing? And says Jason, I never did. And I says, what? and says Bay, that ain't my swing. And I says, no way, man, no way. And says Bay ..."

We wrested the microphone successfully away from Hudgens to catch the end of Bay's Q&A with Metstradamus, hearing him say: "When I swung like I used to swing a couple years back, I hit pretty good, you know, Rookie of the Year, 30-plus homers a season, that kind of thing. So maybe if I try doing that again, I might be able to hit a baseball again."

Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez was asked for a comment, as was former Mets legend Rusty Staub, about Bay's most recent discovery. Said both men simultaneously, "Duh."

# # #

Mets: Jean-Luc Picard Joins Lawsuit

2011-03-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

STARFLEET HQ, SAN FRANCISCO, EARTH -- The financial woes of the New York Mets continued through time and space as Captain Jean-Luc Picard of Starfleet (currently posted as ongoing Captain of the USS Enterprise-W) joined his distant ancestor, Irving Picard, in demanding free money from the team in conjunction with Fred Wilpon's connection to the Madoff Ponzi scheme.

Communications were understandably scrambled as Captain Picard was interviewed, as the temporal rift being used as a microphone was unstable even with the best efforts of Commander Data.

"I need a bit more than my Starfleet pension could provide in order to continue the Picard family winery in France," said a staticky Picard from the future. "Should I successfully prove to be of assistance to great-great-great-great-great-great-uncle's-cousin's-sister's-godson's-grandfather Irving, the financial ripples shall greatly improve the Picard Portfolio out here in the 24th century. I may even purchase myself a Prius."

Irving Picard presented a rather flummoxed facade when presented with a USB drive with a recording of his future ancestor's words. "What am I, a loser Trekkie nerd like you?" he asked. "Get that thing outta my face. Go back to your mother's basement, you freak. I'm dealing with real money here."

Actor Patrick Stewart was similarly flummoxed upon hearing of the communique from his character. "This is what I get for agreeing to do all those 'American Dad' episodes," he lamented. "My life has become decidedly extraordinarily weird."

Additional shifts in the space-time continuum are expected in the next two weeks, according to tachyon-based messages left by Lieutenant Commander Data (apparently he created the messages before he facilitated the message upon which this interview and article are based, as evidenced by his reduced rank). Project Torchwood has notified all agents.

# # #

Mets: Perez Finds Place on Team

2011-03-19T15:22:00.001-07:00

PORT SAINT LUCILLE, MAY 19 -- After giving up back to back home runs to career rookie-league players in today's lineup for the Washington Nationals, pitcher Oliver Perez was informed of his proper place on the Mets ballclub for the forseeable future.

"As of 8am tomorrow morning," announced Mets King of PR Jay Horowitz, "Oliver Perez will take over the job of the automatic pitching machine. He will throw batting practice for 2 hours every day, and will then be allowed to either rotate into the minor league complex, or to sit quietly in his dedicated shed just next to the left field latrines."

The Mets Automatic Pitching machine is a device consisting of two spinning automobile tires, a rusty old basket of used baseballs, and a cheap lawnmower gas-powered engine.

The Machine be given a chance to win Perez's former spot as "lefty specialist" out of the bullpen. Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez was asked for his opinion. "Well," he said, "I think it's a great and long overdue move. The Machine has perfect mechanics, and just like Perez, it can't throw anything but a fastball. But it can be tuned to throw it as hard as 168 m.p.h. on the radar. That's exactly twice as fast as Perez's best."

The Machine has long been revered by pitching coaches because of its lack of arms. "The old bucket can't rip a rotator cuff because it don't have one," said Hall of Fame pitcher Sandy Koufax. "You can't mess with its head because it don't have one of those neither. In fact, it doesn't even have a body or legs or any other thing that gets a ballplayer into trouble. I like the Machine's chances in this bullpen."

Unfortunately, Perez's new assignment was met with immediate and unanimous disapproval from the entire Met squad. One player said anonymously, "Are you kidding? I'd rather face a knuckleballer who sweats Vaseline and wears a uniform covered with baseball decals than Perez in batting practice. At least with the knuckleballer, there's a 25% chance the ball won't kill you."

Perez was given ten minutes to move all of the stuff in his locker into the left field shed. The Machine will be assigned his uniform number, locker, apartment, car, and girlfriend as of right now.

# # #

Mets: Second Base Solution Found

2011-03-16T23:25:00.000-07:00

PORT FLORIDA, MARCH 16 -- The ongoing question -- "Who will be the Mets second baseman?" -- has been definitively and innovatively answered Mets manager Terry Collins.

"The New York Mets will carry a rotation of five second basemen in 2011," said the new skipper during a special press conference, called at 2:22 pm yesterday. "We will have Luis Castillo as our number 1 second baseman; Daniel Murphy as number 2; Luis Hernandez number 3; Brad Eamus, number 4; and filling out the rotation will be what's his name, um ... Justin Beiber? No, Turner. Yeah, him. He'll be number five."

Collins went on to discuss the pairings of second basemen with the appropriate starting pitcher. Former Mets pitching ace and broadcaster Tom Seaver made a comment that it was just like matching fine Bordeaux wines with the correct cheeses; Collins agreed wholeheartedly and the press conference dissolved into a debate over the merits of raw goats' milk cheeses versus the more traditional pasteurized cow and sheep milk ones.

The innovative second-sacker rotation will be implemented immediately. Each pitching change will be accompanied by an appropriate second baseman switch for the balance of the spring training game schedule.

"Anything to get the know-it-all couch managers off my back," muttered Collins around a mouthful of creamy Port Reyes blue cheese.

In a related story, Mets GM Sandy Alderson petitioned Major League Baseball to expand rosters to 75 players. The primary concession would be that the 50 extra players must collectively earn less than A-Rod does in one game playing under his current $300 kajillion, 10-year salary with the Yankees.

Acting: Self-Racism of Asian Americans

2011-03-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

I got offended at an audition yesterday.

It wasn't the one where I got to play a happy stereotypically enthusiastic Japanese grocery store owner, and wore a glittery woman's kimono while doing a thick Japanese accent. Nor was it at the audition where I played a two-faced, conniving, corrupt Japanese minister monologue-ing like a Republic Serial villain to the self-righteous hero. Those were hugely fun and even exciting.

The person who offended me was an Asian-American actor dragging out the tired old act of self-racism.

At this audition, three 40-ish actors of various Asian descent were in the waiting room, including myself. The casting associate was reading down the list of names, telling us the order in which we were going to enter the room for our auditions. She called my name second (mangling it horribly, but I didn't correct her pronunciation in front of everyone), then a couple of other names.

One of the other Asian actors walked up to her to inform her that he had been there before me, and wanted to keep his place in line. She checked, saw his name, apologized, and called out the new order. Then she apologized again to him, and he muttered, "that's okay, we Asians all look alike, right?"

I couldn't help but stare at him in open disdain. Even though I have used that ancient joke myself, I do not anymore because it is false, not at all funny, and I only used it to put myself down when I was younger and felt ashamed of being a filthy Oriental.

Dragging out that old racist joke, in that totally inappropriate setting, was one of the most offensive things I have ever heard. Not only was saying that line stupid, unoriginal, wrong, racist, etc., but it reminded me of all the self-doubts and self-hating, self-racism attitudes with which I once weighed myself down. In college, I would often use being Oriental as a joke, and would get some laughs for my self-racist humor. Here's a sample:

"Of course I'm having trouble playing the trumpet. I'm Oriental! I'm supposed to be playing the piano or violin!"

"Oh man, I'm failing calculus. I'm a disgrace to my race."

"I'm an Oriental, it's really weird being an English major, right?"

Luckily, I had a good friend who stopped putting up with this one night. I had made another of my trademark Oriental Hating jokes, and she muttered, "Enough with your oriental shit already."

It was better than a slap to the face. It was a slap to my brain itself. I finally woke up to how hateful and self-denigrating it was to say such things, not only to myself, but to everyone around me. In fact, it was even a more powerful message because neither my friend nor anyone else at my college was Oriental. I was actually offending white people.

I should have leaned over and slapped that Asian-American actor. It would have been a kindness.

Mets: Beltran Replacement Surgery Imminent

2011-03-11T12:13:00.000-08:00

SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA, MARCH 15, 2011 -- Citing hope and faith in new surgical techniques, Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran will undergo a full double leg transplant in his latest attempt to address his badly damaged knees.

Beltran caused much anguished wailing and hair-tearing within the New York Mets front office two years ago when he had his injured right knee treated with microfracture surgery, without official clearance from the team's medical staff.

"Oh my Gawd, we couldn't believe he had that done," said a member of the staff who withheld his/her name because they didn't wish to be locked in a room with Tony Bernazard. "That surgery was created as a total joke by a science fiction writer who was high on chocolate moon pies. I mean, come on, who would possibly think injuring an already damaged knee further is the way to fix it? It's not like arthroscopic surgery hasn't been invented yet or anything. Gee whiz."

In the new procedure, which has also not been cleared by the Mets medical staff, nor by the medical staffs of any reputable medical facility, a donor would be located and immediately knocked out with chloroform or a large wooden mallet. That donor's legs would then be removed using macro-fracture procedures, hopefully without damaging the all-important knee capsule, and transported to Beltran's location inside of a refrigerated meat locker truck.

Once the former All-Star centerfielder's legs are similary yanked off, the replacement gams would be attached with yet another new procedure that has yet to be developed.

Mets second base candidate Luis Castillo has reportedly offered his legs to Beltran were not entirely accurate. Mets bottom of the barrel bullpen lefty candidate Oliver Perez was found cholorformed and stuffed into the bottom of his locker at Digital Domain park, however, while dashed lines had been Sharpied across his groin, Perez's legs remain attached to him.

# # #

Mets: Castillo to be Gifted to Phillies

2011-03-09T11:30:00.000-08:00

PORT ST FANTASY LUCIE, March 9, 2011 -- With Phillies starting second baseman Chase Utley now sidelined with a messed-up knee, the New York Mets have leaped to take full advantage of the situation by sending their spare second baseman, Luis Castillo, to their Eastern Division Rivals, gratis.

"Luis looks so cute in that Phillies-pink satin bow," said Mets GM Sandy Alderson. "Trainer Ray Ramirez needed a few minutes to get him with the tranquilizer gun, but we shot him in the end over on Field four. Luis can still run, I guess."

Mets owner Fred Wilpon approved of the transaction and has even bought one of those big Hallmark cards to tape to Castillo's forehead. Rumors indicate he did not use his alleged Ponzi profits for the purchase.

"This is a tremendous gesture," said MLB.tv sportscaster Hazel Mae. "With one simple action, the Mets strengthen their team using classic 'addition by subtraction', and simultaneously weaken their greatest division rival with a significant downgrade to their second base position."

MLB.tv's Harold Baines was unable to resist chiming in, as usual. "Okay, so the Phillies get a free $8 million player from the Mets," he said, hands clawing the air in his normal pseudo-Italian-stereotype-gesture-speaking shapes. "Now the Phils *have* to play Castillo, because they can't risk offending the generosity of their neighbors. I mean, it's just like getting an ugly sweater from your aunt Rosalee for Christmas, when she comes visiting in August, you gotta pull that thing out and put it on, or say goodbye to your auntie Rosie's love forever."

Castillo will be posted via UPS Ground and should arrive in the Phillies camp within five business days.

Mets: Perez to Learn Knuckleball

2011-03-08T15:43:00.000-08:00

PORT ST LUCIE, MARCH 8, 2011

Embattled Mets pitcher Oliver Perez, after his 22nd consecutive ineffective spring training outing in 2011, has abandoned all of his existing pitches and will rely solely on the knuckleball from this point forward.

"As Perez has completely forgotten what a baseball is, and how to throw one," said Mets manager Terry Collins, "It's time for him to unlearrrrn what he has learrrrrned. I'm buying him a pair of nice fingernail clippers to get him started."

Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey became the feel-good story of baseball last year, when he outpitched the entire team's staff to become their ace. Dickey relies almost exclusively on a hard knuckleball, as well as his brain, to face hitters. This year, he is even experimenting with a soft knuckleball in an attempt to see if he can replicate all of Bugs Bunny's pitches.

A new clause has been written in Perez's contract by new Mets GM Sandy Alderson that will penalize Perez $1000 for every non-knuckleball he throws from this point on. Major League Baseball rubberstamped the unusual clause with nary a pause. Said Bud Selig, Commissioner of Baseball, "I'll agree to anything that will prevent me from having to watch Perez's butt get smacked all over the field by the opposing batter."

Today's dreadful outing against the Nationals has formally kicked Perez from the Mets starting rotation. He will begin competing for a job in the bullpen as a lefty knuckleballing specialist immediately.

"The knuckleball saved RA Dickey's career," said Perez. "It resurrected Jim Bouton's career 40 years ago. And it will serve as the jumping off point for my plan to rule the world. Muuu ha ha ha ha."

Condo Nightmares: A Happy Ending

2010-12-17T12:55:00.000-08:00

The french doors are being installed.

Never in my life would I have ever thought that would be such a happiness-inducing sentence.

The work is mindbendingly easy. Here is how the three-man team is doing it:

1) They took the two doors off of the pre-built, pre-hung frame. The frame is simply three pieces of wood with hinges already attached.

2) They used three nails to secure the frame into its hole in the wall.

3) They brought each door in separately, and hung each one, carefully making sure they were hung straight (or "true").

4) They used more nails and screws to secure the frame to the hole in the wall.

This sounds easy. That is because the factory that built the doors did all the difficult work: trimming them to the right size, aligning the hinges, building the frame to to fit the doors correctly, etc. The installers simply needed to transport the completed door-and doorframe to my home, and make sure it was installed correctly.

The job has required nearly nine months to complete.

The current installers are not the problem, they are actually great workers whom I would hire again and recommend to anyone! All the businesses and people who came before are the ones who have made this small-scale, low-cost, quick job such a Condo Nightmare.

Mets Baseball is an Emotion

2010-04-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a night of emotional firsts for the Mets!

Ike Davis clobbered his first Major League home run, clobbering a ball like a tall skinny white version of Carlos Delgado, sending it nearly to the Shea Decorative Bridge an estimated 450 feet from home plate.
Hisanori Takahashi slapped his first Major League base hit about 150 feet the other way into left field.
Jose Reyes appeared in his first Major League game as the #3 hitter. He also smacked a gorgeous triple to right-center, his second of the year. Not a first, but so freaking exciting to watch that guy blazing three-quarters of the way around the diamond.
Reyes and Jason Bay hit back to back triples. I have never seen that in my life. Plus it put the Mets up by a run!

These emotional moments can really make a ballgame special to watch. Because for me, that is why I watch Mets baseball. Because I am emotionally involved in the fortunes of this team. It's a completely irrational thing, but clearly, seeing how many people blog about baseball and attend games and pack into filthy, smelly, sticky sports bars nightly to cheer for people they've never met, I share this with lots of folks!

Watching any other team simply does not engage my feelings at all, kinda like seeing someone else's baby, or being forced to watch another person's videos of their kids, or enduring an insulting string of visual clichés like "Leap Year" or "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" or "Avatar": it's different if it's YOUR baby, YOUR kid, YOUR crappy film.

The Mets are MY team. And watching them is a shamefully personal emotional experience for me. I love it.

Managing Badly

2010-04-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to the Mets-Cards game via WFAN audio for the first time in years, due to the FOX National Broadcast locking out viewers on MLB.tv this afternoon. It really does allow one to get work done, versus having a video feed to grab one's attention, and fortunately lets me not get nearly as upset as I would have seeing Jerry Manuel's horrifically poor managing in the 10th inning.

In a 0-0 tie, in a brisk, excellently-pitched ballgame, with every reserve on the bench becoming more and more valuable, Manual managed to use three players on a single at-bat.

Alex Cora, inserted the previous inning for defense at an unfamiliar position (first base, replacing Fernando Tatis), came to bat. Opposing manager Tony LaRussa brought in another lefthander to face him; Manual responded by replacing first baseman/super-sub Cora with pinch-hitter (outfielder) Gary Matthews Jr., who promptly struck out. Center fielder Angel Pagen, who had reached first base on a walk, then was picked off first base on a steal attempt, which no doubt was called by Manuel, side retired.

First baseman Mike Jacobs replaced Cora/Matthews at first in the next half inning, completing the three-in-one burning. Manuel now has only one player left on the bench, backup catcher Henry Blanco, for the rest of the game.

The only possible excuse for Manuel's move was Matthews' ability to switch-hit, as opposed to Cora and Jacobs, who both bat left-handed. However, Cora was the logical go-to guy in the situation, anyway! He is a high-OBP, excellent sitational hitter type, as opposed to the high-power, higher-strikeout roles played by Matthews and Jacobs. Cora is also hitting better this season than either Matthews or Jacobs - regardless of whether any of them are facing a righty or a lefty pitcher.

I used to like Manuel, but this smells very much like the American-League, all-or-nothing approach to baseball strategy. Almost exactly like the tragic final at-bat of the 2006 baseball season for the Mets, when then-manager Willie Randolph sent up free-swinger Cliff Floyd in a bunt situation, and instructed him to aim for the moon.

Grr.

Cliff Lee, Pathetic Schoolboy Punk

2010-03-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

Mariners pitcher Cliff Lee is pathetic.

In a spring training game that meant absolutely nothing to anyone involved, he apparently threw not one, but two pitches in a row in a failed attempt to hit Diamondback catcher Chris Snyder.

According to MLB.com, this may have been triggered by a play earlier in the game where the two players collided and Lee was knocked to the ground by Snyder.

I did not see the play in question, but I assume Lee simply made a fundamental fielding mistake by moving into the runner's way while running to back up the play at the plate, or to back up third base. In the baseball rule book, the runner pretty much always has the right of way within the baselines. Snyder was within his professional baseball rights to run through Lee in that situation.

I doubt very much that Snyder deliberately tried to kill Lee, after all, the game means nothing in the standings, and there is no previous history between the two men.

Lee clearly doesn't think the way that I do. Lee seemed to have assumed the incident was a personal insult, and decided to show Snyder just how manly he was by throwing a rock-hard object directly at his head at over 90 miles an hour.

The result of this mightily impressive display of manhood: a five-game suspension, which hurts his team (his employer), costs him a fraction of his $6,000,000 salary for 2010, and the scorn of powerful, influential bloggers like myself. ;D

Hopefully Lee will not spend his five-day suspension in a local dive bar. He's proven himself the sort of man who will pick fights to cover the embarrassment of being in the wrong. Pathetic.

Genuine Competitions: New York Mets Spring 2010

2010-03-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

Spring training with the Mets has been pretty horrifying these past few years. Heck, for these past several years it's been an unrelenting stream of negativity from bloggers, the newspapers, and most especially from the team I saw stumbling around on the Floridian baseball fields.

The bloggers and MLB.com and the news services remain as negative as ever in spring training 2010. And the Mets have certainly been prepping we fans for an unhappy season, with Beltran's supposedly un-approved knee surgery, Jose Reyes' weird thyroid inbalance, Delgado's continuously injured hip, Jerry Manuel's incomprehensible hitting drills and news conferences, and the shambles that have defined the pitching rotation for a decade.

Strangely enough, I feel better about this 2010 Mets team than I have since I was a kid.

This is because in addition to the weird, harbinger-of-doom stories coming out of Pt. St. Lucie, there are a far larger number of positive stories developing. Not just the good news that Santana's pitching arm seems sound, or that David Wright looks trim and ready to go. Some genuine competition has developed in this camp, not the contrived nonsense of past springs, but ones that might actually turn the team into a real meritocracy.

- The competition for the job of the 5th starter is being so hotly contested by Takahashi, Niese, Nieve, and even Figueroa, I would not be surprised if more than one of them crack the "assumed" top four starters (Santana, Perez, Pelfrey, Maine). These irregulars are throwing better than anyone but Santana, and I would love to see these unexpected quality hurlers crack the rotation.

- First base has been considered a grave compromise ever since Dan Murphy took over from Delgado last year, both in the bat and in the glove. But like the rotation competition, there are suddenly other players hitting and catching and throwing well enough to earn a job. Carter, Jacobs, and Davis have outshone Murphy this week; i would be perfectly happy to see any of them stepping up to seize the starting job.

- Shortstop is suddenly up for grabs. Cora, Hernandez, and a 20-year-old kid Tejada can get the nod to start. Nothing is known, and I think that's just great. Reyes back at short would be incredible, but that's not going to happen for up to two or three months.

- Center field is a huge scramble. Matthews, Pagan, Martinez, all have pluses and minues; not one of them is in the lead for the job. It's just sitting there waiting for one of them to grab it.

- How many catchers does a team need, even in the spring? The heir is supposed to be Thole, but in the meantime there is Barajas, Blanco, Santos, and Coste. I am rooting for Santos, but so far none of them are standing out. That makes it an even tougher competition, and I will enjoy seeing this develop.

Of course I well know this is only spring training. None of it matters when the season begins in April. Yet, in just this past week or so, I have seen more of that intangle "heart" in the teams's box scores and on MLB.tv than I can remember since the Bobby Valentine years.

Normally I loathe competitions. The Mets 2010 have already changed this long-standing opinion of mine; the five competitions that are defining this spring have made the team interesting, fun, and entertaining to watch. May the best players win.

Toyota: The Standard for Low-Quality Automobiles

2010-02-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

For years, my Toyota automobile has been a glaring beacon of poor quality control, if not deliberately-planned obsolescence. The well-publicized faulty Toyota gas pedals are six million more data points on the plummeting Toyota graph of quality.

The recent admission by Toyota president Akio Toyoda that they have sacrificed quality for volume is no surprise to me. That is the precisely the feeling I have had about Toyotas ever since they forced me to pay $600 to replace brand-new, worn-out brake pads.

-----
I was spoiled by my former car company, Honda, when I bought my very first new car. I bought a top-of-the-line Honda Civic to replace my 8-year-old Honda Accord (purchased used) -- and within a week, discovered the Civic to be the wrong car for me. Driving it, I felt cramped, uncomfortable, and even cheated due to all the little conveniences and finishing touches that are all standard in the Accord, but are unknown in the Civic.

I wrote a long letter to Honda of America with my woes, but after a full month of trying to work with the dealership and being told (rightfully!) that it was not their problem, I had resigned myself to being stuck with a car that I genuinely hated. But I needed to write and send that letter.

Two days later, the dealership called me to apologize -- and offered to take back the Civic for the full price I had paid, to be applied towards any other car on the lot. No penalty, no hassle, and they even left a salesman with me until 10pm that night test driving other vehicles.

I eventually left with a brand-new Accord LX, midline model, and I loved that car until its air conditioning conked out once too often, and I traded it in for my current car: a Toyota Camry V6 EX.

----
This car is the most powerful, comfortable, luxurious vehicle I have ever owned. It was a great upgrade in all aspect from my trusty Accord -- until the factory-installed brake pads wore out six months after I bought it. A defect, surely, I thought, and went to the Toyota dealership for a warranty/defect replacement.

No, I was told, you need a $600 brake pad replacement on a brand-new car. It must be the way you drive. It is your fault. Give us your money and go away.

I wrote a letter to Toyota, who bumped it back to the dealership, who called me to offer a free brake inspection. Nothing more.

Six months later, the factory-installed battery died and stranded me 50 miles from home. I limped back to the dealership, who reluctantly agreed that was covered and replaced a supposedly brand-new battery in a nearly brand-new car. No letter necessary, but another incident I consider very odd for a company with such a supposedly sterling reputation for quality.

At some point I suddenly realized I was refilling the gas tank much more often than with any car I have ever driven. I did some testing, as well as using the cool built-in electronic functions of the dashboard, to see what was happening, and to my astonishment discovered my car was getting a miserable 18 MPG in combined city/highway miles. I was driving a gas guzzler!

Maybe something is out of whack in the engine, I thought, and brought it in for service. Nope, that's within the norm, the dealership reported. You wanna flush the whatever system for $400? We recommend that every two times you come in for service.

Most recently, I started hearing occasional short squealing from the ventilation/air conditioning system, which was then replaced by a rattling noise within the steering column whenever I accelerated normally. The latter was eventually diagnosed by the Toyota dealership as bubbles in the cooling system, likely caused by a small leak somewhere. Their testing concluded with them telling me I needed to pay them $5,000 to pull apart the entire engine. And them some more to actually fix the leak.

My car's mileage was 65,000 at the time I had this checked. A crack in the engine at that low mileage number? In a relatively new car? With all maintenance done at a dealership and clearly documented? Surely this must be a quality defect within this young engine, which typically runs for 200,000 miles without a hitch? Surely? I wrote another letter to Toyota.

Nope. Nope. Nope. No, the engine could not possibly be defective. Sorry, you're JUST out of the 60,000 mile warranty. Wanna replace that timing belt for $700 while you're here?
----
So to all you Toyota owners who, like me, may have suspected something was not quite right about your expensive, shiny, brand-new, high-quality automobile, take the thin satisfaction knowing that you were right. And buy a Honda or something next time. I know that I will when next something goes horribly wrong in my Toyota.

Keisuke Hoashi
Dissatisfied Toyota Owner since 2003

What Ifs in the Mets Lineup

2010-01-24T21:18:00.001-08:00

I remember the Mets in the mid-70s, when I first became a fan. The lineup was almost always the same every day: Bud Harrelson, SS / Felix Millan, 2B / Lee Mazzilli, CF / Dave Kingman, LF / Rusty Staub, RF / Ed Kranepool, 1B / Jerry Grote, C / Wayne Garrett, 3B / and the pitcher's spot. Or some such variation.

For the upcoming season, the opening day lineup has such interesting drama connected to virtually every player. Here's what I see:

Jose Reyes, SS
What if his hammies never heal? If he can't run, the Mets lose range in the field, extra base hits, stolen bases, and a constant strategic threat that forces opposing managers and fielders to constantly worry.
Luis Castillo, 2B
What if last year was an abberation and Castillo reverts to his low on-base, low-average ways of the previous years?
David Wright, 3B
What if the nasty beaning he took last season makes him timid at the plate, eliminating the inside corner from his hitting abilities - and what if the obviously ineffective "hit the ball the other way drill" continues to interfere with his natural abilities to hit the ball to all fields, especially the other way, and raise his strikeout numbers to their grotesque amounts of 2009?
Carlos Beltran, CF
What if the knee surgery doesn't fix anything and the pain returns, hobbling arguably the Mets second best all around player?
Jason Bay, LF
What if he does have medical problems as rumored?
Jeff Francouer, RF
What if he turns back into the Frencie that the Braves were so anxious to unload upon their former worst enemies?
Daniel Murphy, 1B
What if he continues not being able to really hit Major League pitching?
Omir Santos, C
What if he really is not good enough to be in the Majors, like the Mets management seems to believe?
Pitchers

The backup plans do not look promising for a winning year. There are already two regular "subs" in the lineup, players who are not considered "front liners"; last year, there were three of them, and look at the mess the turned into.

Not all that interesting a post, but something to play with while figuring out if I want to keep thinking out loud about this team. Hmm.

The NY Mets on Lifetime

2010-01-20T11:13:00.000-08:00

Mark McGuire's tearful steroid admission? Pfhaaa. Boring stuff. Lincecum trying to set an arbitration record of $13,000,000 for one years' work? C'mon, is that the only thing you can come up with? The Yankees winning another World Series and proving that the only way to consistently win a title is to spend more money than James Cameron does on his films? ... pardon me, the news is so old I fell into a deep slumber and dreamed about rocks.

But the Mets? Seemingly every day there is another soap opera leaking out of their offices at CitiField. I strongly recommend they get out of any and all television network contracts, and simply sign on with the channel most appropriate for them: the Lifetime Network.

This week's episode: Lies and betrayal in Puerto Rico! Will free agent first baseman CARLOS DELGADO really return to his first love, the TORONTO BLUE JAYS, as reported on Twitter? Or is there still room the Mets' heart for their splendid, strapping, slugging former cleanup man?

Meanwhile, will the Mets be able to forgive the betrayal of centerfielder CARLOS BELTRAN, who so wounded their feelings by having knee surgery without their express permission? Or will they finally realize that agent SCOTT BORAS is truly the cause of all their troubles in their relationship with their man?

And now that ultra sexy first string free agent catcher BENGIE MOLINA has spurned the Mets' advances, who oh whom shall step up and seize the essential reins of the backstopper? Can this be -- finally -- the time for OMIR SANTOS to shake off all the low expectations of the Mets, and show them once and for all that he's not just a 28-year-old benchwarmer with delusions of starterhood?

Tune in next time, for the continuing soap opera at Citi Field: the New York Mets, on Lifetime. Television for women ... and for Mets fans.

-Keisuke Hoashi

INTENSITY

2009-04-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I confess that I only blog about the Mets when something goes wrong with the team.

Two weeks into the season, amidst the cries of bloggers and reporters that "The team still stinks with runners in scoring position", or "they've just got too many outfielders", or "the tickets at Citi Field cost too much", I have unfortunately seen something else that looks far wronger than anything I've seen in the Mets blogosphere.

It's the utter disrespect for management, and the deliberate disdain for fundamentally sound baseball, that is displayed perenially by the Mets center fielder, Carlos Beltran.

Yesterday's game in St. Louis, when Beltran was tagged out at home plate because he did not slide, demonstrates it completely. For those who didn't see the game, the situation ran thusly:

Beltran tagged up at second on a medium-deep fly to right. He beat the throw to third, sliding safely in -- and the Cardinal third baseman tried a flashy grab-and-tag at the throw, which bounced off his glove and headed for the pitchers mound.
Ignoring his third base coach (which he does an awful lot for a professional ballplayer), Beltran took off for home as the third baseman ran down the ball and snapped an accurate but high throw to the plate.
Beltran stepped on the catcher's foot, not the plate, almost exactly when the ball arrived, and was tagged out high up on his shoulder.

Interviewed after the game, Beltran lied outrageously. Said he to explain his bush-league gaffe:

"I didn't realize how close I was to home plate," Beltran said. "I was watching the ball and when I looked at home plate, I was too close to slide. Molina was on top of the plate and I tried to go over his foot, but I stepped on it and I wasn't able to touch [the plate]."

I watched the footage of the play at MLB.com and Beltran's head was pointed straight ahead at the plate for the last 45 feet. Had he followed fundamental baseball training, he would have slid instinctively. Heading into any base, sliding is always -- ALWAYS -- the thing to do for a ballplayer. Going in standing is a deliberate decision, perhaps to try and knock over the catcher and knock the ball loose, or if your teammate at the plate is standing upright with his hands over his head, telling you to come in that way and save yourself the effort.

Heck, even on the Discovery show Mythbusters, they proved definitively that sliding is indeed faster than running and slowing. (Though that was into second base, not home, but it's the same physics no matter which base you're going for.)

Beltran may be considered the world's best center fielder by the majority of the universe. Yet...

How many times can a player ignore his third base coach before he is chewed out in public?
How often can a "heart of the order" guy be allowed to bunt when his job is to swing away and drive home the runner?
How many times can an outfielder be forgiven for bonehead throws to the wrong base, or attempts to throw out a runner at third when the percentages say "hit the cutoff man"?
How can a professional player be allowed to disdain the fundamentals of good baseball at all, and be allowed to remain on the field?

I'm not holding Beltran to any higher or lower a level that my little league coach, Mr. Naughton, held me to in the 3rd grade. If I didn't slide for a close play at the plate, I would be yanked out before I got to the bench and ridden the pine for the next game or two or three. Or would have been told to do three more laps. Plus I would have been made into a living example of what NOT to do on a close play at home for the rest of the season.

Suppose we could swap Beltran for Ichiro?

Just Be A Manager, Mr. Randolph.

2008-05-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

In an interview with the (Bergen Record), Mets manager Willie Randolph has made race a primary element of his job.

Randolph excluded Ozzie Guillen from the conversation, but wanted to know why the traits often admired in the calm, cool and collected likes of Joe Torre are portrayed as flaws in Torre's former third base coach.

"Is it racial?" Randolph asked. "Huh? It smells a little bit."

In my opinion, this is a poorly executed diversionary tactic on Mr. Randolph's part. He may or may not be aware of doing so, but by dragging an instantly controversial issue into the arena, Mr. Randolph is diverting attention away from the REAL issue: his competence as a manager of a professional major league baseball team.

While I cannot speak for any other Mets fan, I have never booed or cheered Mr. Randolph because his skin is darker than mine. I have never looked up to him, or down on him, as a symbol of racial success in a White Man's world. And I have never once compared him to any other person based on his race, ethnicity, gender, height, weight, mustache thickness, eye color, hair color, or any of his personal physical attributes.

I simply believe that Mr. Randolph is a poor baseball manager. And that is the only real issue that he should be talking about in the newspapers.

---
Instead of hiding behind a racial smokescreen, Mr. Randolph needs to be studying psychology to learn how to better handle his players. The Giants' John McGraw, for example, was famous for taking advantage of his players' superstitions to get them to play better.

Mr. Randolph needs to be studying acknowledged great baseball managers like Bobby Cox of the Atlanta Braves, or Gil Hodges of the New York Mets, or Casey Stengel of the NY Yankees, to understand their successful baseball tactics, and to either apply or adapt them to his own struggling team.

Maybe Mr. Randolph could even benefit from learning statistical analysis. Davey Johnson of the 86 Mets was famous for his computer printouts, and there is of course no shortage of baseball statistics available. Randolph could become the first manager with a laptop on the top step of the dugout.

But instead of doing any of this, or even talking about managing a ballteam, or even just talkin' baseball, Mr. Randolph accuses all of us of racism.

Racism doesn't win ballgames. Good managing does.

Be a baseball manager, Mr. Randolph. Don't be a black manager, or an African-American manager, or a white manager, or an oriental manager, or a left-handed manager. Just be a good baseball manager.

Let's go Mets.

Matsui's Anal Fissure

2008-04-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

I have not seen this medical term since reading an advertisement for the Flushing Colon and Rectal Center in The Queens Tribune back in '88:

Matsui, who signed a three-year, $16.5 million free-agent contract in the offseason, has been sidelined since March 21 while recovering from a medical procedure to repair an anal fissure. (source: MLB.com)

The Astros must have a policy of complete and unadulterated medical disclosure.

You gotta feel sorry for the guy. His new team has trumpeted to the entire world, "Hey, Kaz Matsui ... that's spelled M-A-T-S-U-I ... has got an anal fissure! Taht's right! An Anal Fissure!" It's nothing to be ashamed of, I'm sure anal fissures happen to many people many days. But it makes me wonder just how much the Astro management actually likes the guy.

See, if I ever got an anal fissure while in grade school, I would be utterly mortified and humiliated if anyone (like, my sister?) told anyone about it. If that happened to me while I was working at IBM, I would probably have been ENCOURAGED not to talk about it, and simply say something like "I don't know how I got this injury to my ass, ouch, I can't even sit down anymore. But thanks for asking."

And here I had thought that it would not be possible for Matsui to be treated any worse than he had been by Mets manager Willie Randolph. At least Randolph never said to the press, "He's out of the lineup because he's got an anal fissure."

Shame on you, Astros management! Where's your sympathy for a guy with an anal fissure? Honestly.

The Thrill of Reading

2008-03-19T00:32:00.000-07:00

Earlier this morning, I picked up the final book of David Wingrove's behemoth of an epic tale, "Chung Kuo". This last book is virtually impossible to find, but I was fortunate enough to buy a copy through Doubleday Canada in the early years of this millenium.

Now less than 24 hours and 332 pages later, I am once again within 100 sheets of the end of this magnificent series.

And I find myself both impatient to get to the end, and reluctant to do so.

Books have always been like that for me. As a child, I would read and re-read every book in the house, sometimes devouring the same book twice in the same day. An exhilaration comes over me as I approach any book's final chapters, forcing me to read ever faster, the worlds streaming through my eyes and into my head at greater and greater velocity, until I literally gasp and sigh as the final period shoots past and nothing is left but the blank endpage and the thump of the book's back cover closing the door on its self-contained universe.

It truly is a great, great pleasure. Yet, even as the times between my page-flips grow shorter and shorter, I do not want the experience to end. I want to stay in the book's world, to experience the emotions of the characters, to feel the physical elements written on the paper, to see and hear and smell and touch (and occasionally taste) what is going on in the pages.

I know it's just a product of a feverish imagination, taking in the results of another person's own fevered imaginings, translating them through my own personal filters and bringing it to life in the dark and squishy confines of my own head.

One hundred pages to go. I can get that done in a half hour, and then I can go to bed. And then I get to do it all over again with another book, another world, any time that I want.

It's great to be alive and literate.

Mets: No-Name Starting Lineup

2008-03-07T00:28:00.000-08:00

The Mets really know how to make things interesting. Maybe every team is like this, but our team just seems to find so much drama every single freaking spring training.

So as things stand now, the Mets are missing their first-string first baseman (Carlos Delgado, hip); second baseman (Luis Castillo, knee); catcher (Brian Schneider, something); center fielder (Carlos Beltran, both knees and legs); left fielder (Moises Alou, hernia); and while their front-line right fielder is apparently mostly recovered from the nasty collision sustained on saturday that gave him amnesia and a severe concussion, he has been transformed into a vampire that can neither tolerate bright light nor left-handed pitching. Oh, and a couple of their pitching staff are also down and out.

What's left to play? Running a team off of second-stringers and inexperienced minor leaguers is certain to cause some problems once the season begins at the end of the month. Seriously, there are only about 25 days left until Opening Day, and there is no viable major-league lineup available for manager Willie Randolph to use.

Who's actually healthy in Pt. St. Lucie? Well, the left side of the infield is fine with Jose Reyes and David Wright. The pitching staff is in good shape with Johann Santana, Pedro Martinez, John Maine, Oliver Perez, and Mike Pelfrey. The bullpen has closer Billy Wagner uninjured, along with Pedro Feliciano, Aaron Heilman, Jorge Sosa as the long man, and a collection of other healthy arms and bodies. Ramon Castro is not suffering any odd maladies yet, so he can do the catching.

And that's it for major leaguers.

This has got to be the most horrifying spring training I have ever seen. Cockeyed optimism is hard to come by when seemingly everyone in camp is either a re-tread, minor leaguer, or trying to keep important pieces from falling off of their bodies.

But I listen to what Keith Hernandez said on the spring broadcasts, along with Chris the SNY guy filling in for Gary Cohen these last few games. What looks like a potential disaster for those ailing A-teamers is a golden opportunity for these unproven, inexperienced, hungry young men in the minors. Suddenly, there are as many as SIX starting positions available on a team with the second- or third-largest payroll in the universe.

Which of these no-names will seize the opportunity and force Willie to bring him north and stick him in the opening day starting lineup? I've no idea, but I am hoping it happens.

Opinion: Helmets on the Ballfield

2008-03-03T23:51:00.000-08:00

On this past Saturday, I got to watch the first Mets CW11 broadcast of a Mets 2008 spring training game. Playing the Dodgers and their new manager Joe Torre, the most interesting bit came when the cameras focused on Joe and his new coaches, including base coach Larry Bowa.

The discussion moved to Major League baseball's new Safety Decree to all base coaches: Thou Shalt Wear Batting Helmets to Protect Thine Lives. This new rule was passed due to a terrible, horrible, freak accident last year, when minor league base coach Mike Coolbaugh was killed after being hit in the head with a line drive.

Bowa flatly declared that he would not wear a helmet on the coaching lines. When a reporter asked him about his receiving a possible fine by MLB for his actions, Bowa said something like "How much is the fine for not wearing a batting helmet in the coaching box? Multiply that by 162 games each year, and I'll them write a check."

I laughed aloud and applauded to hear that. Playing or coaching baseball is not, after all, a construction site, where steel and brick and stone regularly rain down upon people and where hard hats prevent injury every day. Nor is baseball anything like the inside of an automobile, where a secured seatbelt is a proven factor in saving lives in the hundreds of accidents that happen every day.

And statistically speaking, poor Mike Coolbaugh died in a statistical fluke. As far as I know, and that is very little when it comes to baseball history, Coolbaugh is the ONLY base coach that has EVER been killed by a batted ball in the history of professional baseball. That comes out to over half a million Major League games, and likely another three to four million minor league contests. One death in four million games, over 36 million innings, and thousands of first base coaches. One.

A helmet may have saved Coolbaugh's life. Or it may not have; he was apparently hit in the temple and barely had any time to react to the batted ball. But his death, tragic as it was, is clearly an EXCEPTIONALLY RARE EVENT in the history of professional baseball. I do not believe any other base coach has ever suffered Coolbaugh's fate. Ever. I bet that even if you add in all the amateur games, sandlot games, little league games, American Legion ball games, everything, you will not find a second incident of a base coach being killed by a batted ball.

MLB's decree that coaches must now wear helmets is an excellent symbolic PR move, but nothing more. It is based on fear and hysteria, not on good sense or intelligent analysis. Seeing Bowa's truculent response, the Coaches helmet rule has clearly irritated the players and coaches, who see that a helmet protects MLB's reputation far more than it protects their heads.

Mets: The Chubby 8-Year-Old Fan

2008-02-20T23:02:00.000-08:00

Ya know, I'm a native Noo Yawkuh, born in Queens, went to high school in Manhattan, worked in Albany for a while, went to school in various locations upstate, and am now working summers in Oneonta, NY, as one of the Directors of the New York Summer Music Festival. I can ride the subways without getting lost, can divert homeless beggar bums with a single glare, tell taxi drivers if they're going the wrong way, and find any open pizza joints even at 2am in the city.

All of that makes me a genuine, bona fide, tried and true, cliche-spouting New Yorker.

I have been a Mets fan since 1974, thirteen years into their existence. I attended as many games as I physically could from the time I was a chubby, bespectacled 8-year-old who brought a little blue baseball glove to every game. I hogged the TV for every single televised game, broadcast on WWOR channel 9. For some of the west coast games that started at 10pm, I would sit and fiddle with the radio well past midnight to hear Bob, Lindsay, and Ralph calling the games from an entire continent away.

I sometimes even cried when they lost a close game in the ninth (or eighth, or sometimes the first inning -- anyone remember Pete Falcone and his magic gopher balls?).

Just look at all that New Yorker and diehard Met fan stuff I've listed above. I consider myself the real thing. A NY and NY Met fanatic, and shall be until the universe collapses back into itself (if the Big Bang Theory is indeed correct, but sheesh, none of us will ever know for sure).

So why is it that guys like Fred Wilpon say nonsense like "New York is a real 'win now' mentality," or "NY is a total 'what have you done for me lately' kind of town"????

------------
I'm here to debunk all the nonsense that I hear about folk like me. From the mythical "fans" who supposedly demand the team "wins now" and screw the whole "build for the future" approach. It's total garbage, thought up by impatient General Managers and knuckleheaded owners who use the greatest city in the world - and the greatest fans in the universe - as excuses for their own screwups.

The team engineers the worst baseball collapse in history? Blame the fans for forcing the team to push their tired players too hard. Lose to the Yankees in the World Series? Fire the most colorful, annoying, entertaining, and baseball savvy manager in the league (Valentine) and scapegoat the city, saying NYC is tired of his antics and just wants to WIN. Etc etc etc.

While I love to hear about blockbuster trades that benefit the Mets, I certainly do not DEMAND them. Nor have I ever stopped watching/loving the Mets just because they sucked for many years.

From the post-Midnight Massacre years (featuring Dave Kingman, Mike Jorgenson, and other far from legendary ballplayers) through the world series win in 1986; from the Art Howe years (shudder), the Willie Randolph years (shudder), the Bobby Valentine Dynasty (yay yay yay) to the pathetic early 90s, I always ALWAYS was happy to drop everything to listen or watch the ballgame.

Just like any baseball fan, I want to see my favorite team win the world series every single year. But I also accept that will not happen -- even for Yankee fans (oh snap!) -- and that has no affect on the unreasonable love and affection and time and attention I slather upon my number one team, Da Mets.

----
So please, to those zillions of readers who have been fooled into believing that we New Yorkers are the impatient, heartless, obscenely rich, and incredibly fair-weather buffoons that headline-hungry sportswriters and baseball execs have been selling you all these years ... please remember the chubby little 8-year-old who couldn't hold back the tears when reliever Bob Apodaca couldn't hold the lead in 1975 - and was right back in front of the TV the next night, cheering the team for the next 32 years and beyond.

Let's Go Mets. Even when you suck.

It's Finally Time for Cockeyed Optimism!

2008-01-29T16:34:00.000-08:00

Finally, something happened this offseason worth blogging about!

MLB.COM: METS LAND SANTANA FOR FOUR PROSPECTS

A bona-fide pitching ace is coming to our favorite team in exchange for four spare parts. With a modicum of luck, this is going to be the trade that balances the tear in the space-time continuum that sent Hall of Famer Tom Seaver to the Reds for four spare parts in 1977.

Baseball: Just Being a Met is Good Enough

2007-10-31T19:03:00.001-07:00

It must be due to the internet. Speculation about trades and free agent signings used to be the province of rotisserie baseball goofballs who spend their lives buying two sets of baseball cards: one for collecting, the other for endless riffling and reading and enjoyment.

When I was a young kid baseball Mets fan back in the 70s, I don't remember thinking about a single potential trade or free agent signing. I recall Linda de Roulet claiming that she was going to sign Pete Rose back around 1977 when he became the most desirable free agent in the universe, but that's it.

I never remember, either, ever even dreaming about forcing a player to change positions due to a potential free agent signing or a trade. It was out of the realm of thinking for an 8-year-old, of course. To kids like me, the team was already perfect. I never cared that Lee Mazzilli had the worst throwing arm in the majors. It didn't matter that Ellis Valentine couldn't hit. Or that Roy Staiger was Wayne Garret's replacement at third for a little while. They were MY Mets, and by definition, they were perfect. If the personnel changed from year to year, that was fine. I even welcomed the arrival of Claudell Washington for his two-month stint -- simply be being a Met, he was okay.

Aging creates a bit too much sanity when it comes to baseball. I was a little older when legendary sourpuss Richie Hebner joined the team in an offseason trade. He was the first Met I recall ever actually disliking, with his loud complaining in the newspapers about how much he hated being on my team.

As the years passed, I hardly noticed, but being a Met was no longer enough. Now, at age 40, I suddenly realized that I was finding fault in virtually everyone on the team. I had completely lost my youthful joys in loving my hometown team, in finding tears and frustration in each loss, and wild unrestrained joy at every win.

Now I unthinkingly analyze events, identify mistakes, praise the empty room at excellence.

Whatever happened to just enjoying the game? I must investigate my synapses for this.

BASEBALL: Ex Met Does Good

2007-10-07T00:55:00.000-07:00

Kazuo Matsui has nearly singlehandedly represented the Rockies' offense this postseason. The numbers are fantastic:

5 for 12 (.417)
2 runs
1 double
2 triples
1 home run (Grand slam)
6 rbi
2 walks
2 strikeouts
.500 OBP

I've always been an irrationally pro-Matsui Mets fan. Probably due to our genetic similarity ... yes, I admit humbly to being a little bit nationalistic/ethnic/racist in rooting for this Japanese man, solely because I myself am Japanese by genes.

However, there was never anything racist in my dislike of the Mets' organization's handling of this fellow. Sure, they paid him a boatload of money and had an equally heavy boatload of expectations for him, and in return he had difficulty adjusting to American baseball, was often injured and on the Disabled List, and didn't hit or field anything near to his Japanese career numbers.

From my uneducated perspective out here in LA, though, I saw a clear dislike of Matsui from both former Mets manager Art Howe and current one Willie Randolph. Or perhaps it was just the frustrating language barrier. Whatever the reason, Matsui found himself constantly in competition with the likes of Miguel Cairo and Ty Wigginton for his job as a starting second baseman -- while guys like Roger Cedeno and Mo Vaughn were continually run onto the field to hit for a lower average combined than Matsui.

Many other bloggers and professional sportswriters have noted this weakness in recent Mets managers. He plays his personal favorites at the expense of the team. Look at his unfathomable handling of the Mets bullpen this year, as well as his constant refusal to take control of his personnel. He's the MANAGER, for goodness' sakes; and he has been reported for allowing his players to dictate when they will or will not play.

It appears that he is unable to tell his obnoxious, pushy players "I'm your goddamn manager, you do as I say, because whatever I do is for the goddamn team." But to his weaker, less vocal, or mute (non-English-speaking) team members, he tells them "I don't like you, so I'm gonna lord it over you the whole season."

Fire Willie.

METS: Beating a Metaphor to Death, Zombiehood, Death again

2007-06-19T18:44:00.000-07:00

Manager Willie Randolph of the Mets plays favorites.

Fundamentally, there's no crime being committed. Everyone likes to see their favorites being favored: personally, my favorite food is genuine NY pizza; my favorite flavor of coffee is plain; my favorite toe is my second toe on my right foot, because I can make it wriggle and snap like a fat silverfish doing the limbo.

There always comes a time in everyone's life, though, where your favorite whatever suddenly loses its appeal. That watermelon-flavored Now & Later no longer tastes as good as when you were six years old, for example. Or a tall glass of cold milk that once went soooo well with a box of Chips Ahoy all at once begins to taste like rotten cheese and plastic.

Most people simply stop eating their favorites and find the next delicious favorite in their life. Eventually, the wonderful flavors of your favorites do return, and you can enjoy them anew.

With the horrifically slumping Carloses, Beltran and Delgado, Willie is refusing to believe that letting his favorites rest might actually be to his benefit. Both are in what may be the worst slumps of their careers, and are both actively hurting the team every night with their 0-fers and increasingly worse glovework, possibly caused by their distress over their lousy batwork, and spiraling them both into a pit of despair into which they are dragging the entire team.

The construction of this team, though, may make it impossible to bench these guys. With Endy Chavez, Lastings Milledge, and Moises Alou all on the disabled list, there's nobody to take Trannie's place should he go on the DL. Ricky Ledee in center? No thanks.

Similarly, Delgado sitting would mean Julio Franco would be the starting first baseman, and he's shown that his starting is no longer the best thing for him or for the team.

The bench would have Carlos and Carlos, but with their hitting and fielding woes, they are nearly worthless as pinch hitters or defensive replacements.

So despite the fact that the taste of Carlos and Carlos has soured over the last six weeks, there may be no choice but to keep taking them down off the shelf and desperately trying to make yourself still like their stale flavor.

Analogies stink. But right now, so do our favorite Carloses. I wish both were untrue!

FINANCE: car lease vs purchase?

2007-06-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

I have bought two cars -- no, make that three, in my life. Each time, I had to make the choice: lease, or buy?

Ironically, all the people who told me to LEASE were the same people who insisted that "paying rent is throwing your money away." How could they justify their attitude towards leasing a car, which is essentially renting a set of wheels for three years, desperately trying not to drive it more than a thousand miles a month?

When I looked at the monthly payments of a lease vs a purchase, I discovered that the payments were virtually identical: roughly $350/month, which meant after three years, I could either deal with getting another lease, or after 5 years, I could rejoice in not having to pay a bank for me to use my own car.

I chose to look forward to the days where I didn't have monthly payments. I have bought all of my cars, rather than leasing them. But I have wondered if I have actually saved any money by doing so? Are the rampaging republicans who insist on re-leasing new cars every three years actually SMARTER that I?

The thought was intolerable. So I finally did some calcuations on a chunk of scrap paper that I didn't want to lose, so here they are for all to share:

LEASE: ($25,000 Honda) $2200 down, $209/month for 36 months = $7524/year.
Total three year cost: about $25,000

BUY: ($25,000 Toyota) $15,000 down, $325/month x 36 months = $11,700
Total 3 yr cost: about $27,000

I kept my last car for nine years, so once I finished paying for it, it cost roughly $30,000, if you add general maintenance. What would have it cost me to lease a car for those same nine years? About $30,000.

CONCLUSION: Renting and leasing cost EXACTLY THE SAME, especially over the span of a decade. Finally a definitive answer to the question! So all you people in the situation of buying vs leasing a car, there's the hard solid fact.

(It's NEVER worth selling a car to a dealer, by the way, especially when trading one you own as part of purchasing a new one. The dealers will never give you more than a thousand bucks for a perfectly good old car; you could keep it and have a spare for the price of registration. So keep it on hand, you never know when a spare car will come in handy!)

Whew. Now I can throw away that scratch paper.

Baseball: Remember - DON'T BLAME THE UMP!

2007-05-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

Nearly thirty years ago, playing little league ball for the "Jayson's" team in Forest Hills, NY, I struck out looking at a pitch that I kinda remember to have sailed past me at the height of my eyeballs. When I was punched out, amindst the clapping and cheers from the parents in the stands, I turned to glare at the ump in disgusted disbelief.

Of course, it wasn't like Strike Three was a Great Unknown to me; I think I struck out about 3/4 of the time. My hitting eye stank worse than Windows Vista. Or any version of Internet Explorer. Or an enormous pile of fresh donkey dung baking in 100% humidity and 95-degree fahrenheit temperatures. Or Windows Vista.

Getting back to that Little League game. After the game, I wrote a letter to my grown up friend Mr. Masaru Madate, a sportswriter covering the Yomiuri Tokyo Giants in Japan. He had recently written me asking how my atrocious Little League career had been going, and I thought he would be a perfectly sympathetic ear over this lousy, blind, useless umpire.

His letter back included the worst betrayal of my life. He said, "Don't blame the umpire."

Today's game brought back this ancient betrayal with, not a vengeance, but with an understanding of which I was incapable when I was twelve years old. Over the past few games, the legendary Angel Hernandez's umpiring crew had been tormenting the Mets with spectacularly blown calls, one after another after another. Missed tags, bad judgements, unbelievable check swing calls, the litany went on and on, and all of them against my heroically hometown team.

The fiendish umpiring seemed to continue today. Paul LoDuca's check swing in the bottom of the 10th was called a swing when I (of course) felt it was a check. Vizquel's slide home atop the 12th, apparantly juuuuuust ahead of LoDuca's sweep tag, giving the Giants the 4-3 lead.

I was grumbling about the filthy umps again. All set to blog and complain about them as bitterly as I possibly could.

Then the first base ump called Giants closer Armando Benitez for a balk, sending Jose Reyes to second base. Endy Chavez bunted him to third; Carlos Beltran grounded out to second in a drawn-in infield (2 out); Carlos Delgado came up to bat with the tying run on third.

And then the third base ump called Benitez for ANOTHER balk. Reyes skipped home, scoring the tying run, gleefully celebrating Benitez's screwup. The game was tied, and the crowd was going berserk.

Mr. Madate's words came back to me just about the time Delgado hit his second home run of the night, winning the Mets' fourth game in a row, and sending Benitez and his catcher Molina back to the dugout with furrowed brows and brimming tear ducts.

"Don't blame the umpire."

After all, those men in blue (or black, as they generally are these days) don't swing the bats, throw the pitches, steal the bases. They are human judges, paid to make up to 500 calls a night, trying to get each one correct without the benefit of instant replays, hindsight, or multimillion dollar endorsement deals.

If only I had actually played more than a couple of dismal little league seasons, getting a single hit (a triple) and a dozen walks and about 50 strikeouts, perhaps I would have learned the second half of Mr. Madate's words of wisdom as applied to baseball:

"The breaks will even out over time."

Especially with Armando "Meltdown" Benitez on the mound.

The Fraternity of Bad Broadcasters

2007-05-03T20:02:00.000-07:00

The television broadcast team of the Arizona Diamondbacks - Daron Sutton, Greg Schulte, and Mark Grace - have joined a very easy fraternity of broadcasters. The Fraternity of "Homers".

It's not a compliment. It refers to a professional sports broadcaster who considers cheerleading for their employers to be part of their jobs.

Here are some examples of what can generally be considered "bad broadcasting".

Sutton actually anthropormorphizes every pitch. "Oh, an ANGRY fastball," he called in the top of the 4th inning of today's Mets-Diamondbacks game.
Sutton also talks to the players just like any eight-year-old fan would, while watching the game in their living room (for example, "2 and 0 the count, be careful," he pleaded with the Diamondback pitcher).
"Oh, goooood pitch -- even though it missed and it's ball 1," said Mark Grace multiple times during this broadcast. and when Chris Snyder hit a two run homer in the bottom of the fifth, I actually heard what sounded like CLAPPING in the booth!
"Good breaking ball, nice block," said Sutton in the top of the 8th about a pitch by Diamondback reliever Brandon Lyon -- however, the pitch was in the dirt and nowhere near the plate. He said the same thing again to the next Met batter.

To my ears, listening to this broadcast was the same as listening to a couple of meatheads in a bar. The kind of guys who fancy themselves the ONLY experts on the planet, and are ready to argue vehemently with anyone who points out they're completely full of crap.

BASEBALL: The Curse of A-Rod

2007-04-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

Seven years ago, Alex Rodriguez became the most highly paid baseball player in the known galaxy when he signed a 10-year, $250,000,000 deal to play baseball for the Texas Rangers. He was arguably the best baseball player in history at that time and everyone in the sports business expected A-Rod to lead his new team to a Golden Decade of Dominance, to win World Series Rings by the fistful.

The Rangers proceeded to finish in last place every year he was there.

How could such a thing happen? While A-Rod was piling up home runs, RBIs, and other mightily impressive statistics, the Rangers were slapping together a starting pitching staff that would have been hard-pressed to beat the Bad News Bears. Perhaps the fact that they were playing a single player an average of $25 million a year had something to do with their inability to buy, trade, beg, borrow, steal, or exhume any semblence of a team to surround the poor guy.

The lesson: one ballplayer cannot win a World Series on his own. It really does take a complete team of 25 players.

A-Rod escaped the Pit of Arlington through a desperate trade a couple of years ago, ending his stint in purgatory, TX and sending him to the most successful ball team in history, the New York Yankees. This young 2007 baseball season has been a rebirth for A-Rod, and he has apparantly rediscovered his "Best Player Ever" credentials, setting a new April record for home runs, RBI, and all kinds of other batting stats for his current team, the NY Yankees.

And once again, his team features a little-league starting pitching rotation.

The New York Yankees have transformed into the Texas Yankees.

It is the Curse of A-Rod. With this guy on your team, your pitching will shrivel and die. Beware all baseball owners who would trade, buy, bribe, or otherwise obtain the Best Baseball Player Ever. You have been forwarned. Twice, now.

--Keisuke

MLB.tv VS MLBExtraInnings: Strike Three!

2007-04-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

Just last week, my irritating Practial Self has emerged victoriously in the hugest issue facing all baseball fans who have moved out of their parents' house. That issue? Whether Major League Baseball would allow all cable, satellite, and other TV services to carry their MLB Extra Innings package, or only allow DishNetwork the exclusive privilege of such. The cost that DishNetwork agreed to pay? A mere $700,000,000 (that's seven hundred million dollars) over ten years, plus part ownership in the upcoming Baseball TV Network.

Despite eleventh- and twelvth-hour negotiations from all parties, my television service (DishNetwork) turned out to be the biggest loser in the game. InDemand (cable) and DirecTV both were granted the right to carry ExtraInnings, by virtue of the fact that they are willing to give Major League Baseball several bank-fuls of money. Apparantly, DishNetwork isn't so willing to part with their cash reserves and pension funds, so as of the opening of baseball season 2007, I can't watch my Mets play on TV anymore.

But did I scream and cry? Heck no! Instead, my Practical Self very practically figured the following:

I can subscribe to MLB.tv and watch the Met games I want to watch over the Internet.
I don't have to switch from DishNetwork to DirecTV or Adelphia Cable.
I can subscribe monthly for $20, rather than paying up to $200 for the entire six month season at once.
I will be teaching at the New York Summer Music Festival (NYSMF) from June through August, meaning I would not even be at home to watch televised baseball games for three months
I will be able to watch the games anytime online - no more missing broadcasts because I've not set my VCR correctly

Two games later, I am ready to shoot my Practical Self with a potato gun and bury its body behind the fig tree in the backyard. The realities of watching MLB.tv are simply appalling.

The visual image from even the 700K MLB.tv feed is absolutely horrible. The picture looks just as bad as a UHF station on my childhood television set: lots of muddy colors, melted-looking edges, and even worse, digital artifacts surrounding every single pixel on the screen.
The audio quality is dreadful. It sounds like an AM radio heard through a cellular phone connection. Plus there is "drift"; the audio drifts out of sync with the video track after about 10-20 minutes. I have to click PAUSE and then PLAY to reset the drifting, and it returns after another half hour.
There's no way to "time shift": that is, if I arrive home in the third inning, there is no way for me to start watching the game from the beginning.
I cannot easily fast forward through the game. When I just recorded the game on a VCR, i could tap the FFD or REW buttons anytime, and shoot past all the uninteresting bits and bad broadcaster banter in any way I wanted. This allowed me to see a 3 1/2 hour game in under 80 minutes. Not so in MLB.tv -- even in an archived game, there is no fine control over FFD and REW.
I cannot see the archived games until 6am the next day. What genius thought of this? I've tried to watch a completed game an hour or two after its end, and I simply cannot get the feed to happen. The "Condensed Game" is available, but big whoop. If i wanted that, i would just read the newspapers.

The clear conclusion: MLB.tv is a terrible way to follow your favorite team during the baseball season. Especially after enjoying MLB Extra Innings for the past three seasons. No matter how bad the satellite feed may look (and believe me, "Digital Quality" means "low quality"), it is a 10,000% improvement over the headache-inducing, eye-squinting, postcard-size experience of watching TV over the internet.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see how much it would cost to switch to DirecTV or Adelphia Cable. My surgically repaired eyeballs and even my Practical Self are begging me.

METS: Absence Makes The Carlos Grow Fonder

2007-03-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

I finally understand why David Wright has been shoehorned into the number-2 hole in the batting order so often this spring. It's simply because the guy he's supposed to protect in the batting order, that gorgeous hunk o' monster Carlos Delgado, is busy being a gushing smiling new daddy back home in Puerto Rico.

It also reveals quite a weakness in the Mets lineup. If Delgado's absence is causing such a mess in the offense already, what will happen during the real season if he takes a day off?

Sure, manager Willie Randolph had been experimenting with Wright batting second even before Delgado took off to be with his wife, but I think the results so far have shown that it's not especially useful to do so. The team has had awful results in scoring runs these past five weeks, and a strong possibility to WHY can lie in the composition and layout of this lineup.

The team is already slugger-heavy like an American League team. Over the years, I've seen how lumbering lineup can rot away the manager's mind, having them constantly dream of Earl Weaver's "Three Run Homer" offense. So you get plenty of games where the team blasts a bunch of homers and wins by a dozen runs -- and plenty of games that are lost on the missed bunts, the wasted sacrifice situations, the romance and allure of swinging for the fences rather than building an attack batter by batter (anyone remember the ninth inning of last October's final game for the Mets?).

With Jose Reyes putting on daily exhibitions of "small ball", the rest of the team hasn't had to work very hard at anything but swinging as hard as they can. It's like Reyes is the only NL component of the lineup, while the rest of the hitters are pure AL.

However, upon further analysis: who else on the starting 9 actually is a prototypical #2 hitter? Nobody, and that's the truth. The analysis actually makes me, for the first time, feel great sympathy for manager Willie Randolph. On any given day, his catcher and 2/3 of his starting outfield could be in need of rest; his second baseman could be faced with hitting from the right side, which means he needs to be replaced with a platoon guy who CAN; and his first baseman might start feeling the pangs of age and might ask for a little rest (to be replaced with another first baseman nearly 15 years older than her).

In every case, the man being replaced is a power hitter. And in every case, his replacement is not (Julio Franco, Endy Chavez, Lastings Milledge, Ben Johnson, Damian Easley, Ramon Castro). The lineup is no longer as top-heavy as an augmented porn actress with home run threats, and suddenly, the entire team hitting strategy must do a complete about-face.

Poor, poor Willie. Maybe this is the year where he will have to come face to face with NL-style baseball. Nyahh nyahnn hyannn.

Mets: MLB.com = Lifetime

2007-03-25T21:46:00.000-07:00

I have figured out why I don't enjoy reading any articles on MLB.com anymore. They are written in a repeating formula, with every article padded with pointless metaphor and flowery simile, a writing style more appropriate to a women's fashion magazine. For example, check this story about Mike Pelfrey in today's MLB.com news:

Mike Pelfrey, hoping to secure the fifth spot in the Mets' rotation, allowed four runs in five innings on Sunday against the Astros. The young right-hander felt disappointed, but shortly after the game, his mood brightened markedly when manager Willie Randolph told him that he has made the starting rotation.

This reads like an old Hardy Boys mystery, or something out of my second-grade Weekly Reader textbook. And check out this tarnished gem of prose from another overwritten feature story about Tom Glavine:

As much as any starter, he knows his way around the delays, distractions and pomp. Some of the pomp this time will be a tad disconcerting.

There is a note at the end of every article written on MLB.com, that "this story was not subject to approval by MLB or any club." This is more and more translating to actually mean that these posts are not run by any professional editors or experienced sports writers.

Okay, I'm being kinda harsh, but I was raised on the stark journalism of The New York Times. Their editors strictly prohibited writing that did not stick to the story itself. Obivious filler phrases like the junk in the Glavine article would be redlined instantly. Amateurish storytelling as in the Pelfrey article would have gotten the writer an admonishment, a chewing-out, and perhaps even a dismissal from the Times writing staff.

What I am finding overall on the writing for MLB.com is a lack of polish and professionalism. There is more filler jammed in their articles than in a cheap hot dog. As a result, I am having a very difficult time reading anything on the site, because I am continually trying to skip over the drivel and read the actual NEWS and FACTS that I originally wanted to see.

And what gives me the right to criticize this pantheon of professional writers for unprofessional writing, sloppy reporting, and uninteresting work? The simple fact that I am their audience. Shape up, MLB.com writers! You've driven one reader away with your bad writing!

Mets: End of Spring Ruminations

2007-03-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

Another day, another mightily forgettable meaningly spring training game. Albeit the Mets got pounded 11-3 by the Astros' second string team today, I was dying of boredom by the third inning.

Up in the broadcast booth, Keith Hernandez, Gary Cohen, and Ralph Kiner were suffering right along with all of us. They ignored the game for innings at a time to chat about baseball memories, with the venerable Kiner telling two Yogi Berra quotes that I had never heard before:

Mets pitcher Tom Seaver was jogging past Yogi in the outfield during spring training a few decades ago, and called out, "Yogi, what time is it?" And Yogi replied, "You mean right now?"
At a funeral for someone that others were surprised to see Yogi attending, he explained, "Hey, if you don't go to theirs, they won't come to yours."

The highlight of the game was not anything that occurred on the field, either between the foul lines or outside of them. It was the Grilling of Omar Minaya by the Hernandez-Cohen broadcasting team. They were asking questions about the team, the philosphies, predictions, all the fun topics that are bandied about so irresponsibly on the Internet.

For once, Omar Minaya sounded defensive. He repeated the phrase "YouknowwhadI'msayin" over and over, and stuttered and struggled and stammered for words that would carefully keep the peace with his manager, his team owner, and his players.

He really sounded as if he were on an actual Hot Seat! Keith asked him about the logic of batting David Wright in the #2 spot. Gary questioned him about leaving Pelfrey in the minors until mid-April, and bringing along Lastings Milledge in his stead for that time. Now, I like Omar and respect his obvious baseball and business savvy, but I was also enjoying his discomfort.

Cruel, perhaps, but he knew what he was getting into when he accepted the job.

Mets: The Doggin' It Days of Spring Training

2007-03-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

It's the top of the 4th and the Mets are being pummeled by the Washington Nationals, 8-0, while wearing bilious green-and-orange hats that would look better on a softball diamond with some kind of cartoonish food creature serving as a logo.

The "Doggin' It" days of Spring Training are officially here. This long-established term (which I just made up one whole sentence ago) means the regular players are playing about half-speed, half-hearted, quarter-enthusiastic baseball; and the ones trying to make the team (rookies, retreads, and reprobates) are worn out from worry, not to mention being stressed out by the sleepwalking play of the guys who already have guaranteed jobs.

Good lord, it's gone up to 13-0 in the time it took to write this so far. Yah, that's definitely Doggin' Days defined.

Which begs the question as to just WHY Spring Training is still a full six weeks long every year. Every baseball book I've read, and every ballplayer who talks about Spring Training, all make the same complaint: it's just too long.

The players obviously lose interest after they are ready to go, which takes at most a couple of weeks. Just look at today's play: sloppy defense everywhere, indifferent at-bats from every Met at the plate.
Pitchers claim they need more time to "stretch themselves out", slowly building up their stamina by throwing one, three, five innings -- but most current pitchers don't pitch much further into games during the regular season, so once they hit 5 innings, why keep pitching?
Results in Spring Training seem never to translate into regular season performance. The 86 Mets were .500 during the spring, and won 108 games during the season.
Results in ST often do not translate into playing time. Remember Art Howe's brilliant decision to sit Timo Perez and Tsuyoshi Shinjo, who both hit nearly .400 during ST, in favor of Jeromy Burnitz and Roger Cedeno, whose averages remained around .200 for two full seasons?

Making all this contagious boredom worse is the horrible quality of DishNetwork's off-prime-time broadcast signals. I have concluded that "Digital Quality" actually means "crap": the picture is absolutely polluted with blocky digital compression artifacts, making the game look as if I am watching it through a thick, rusted screen door. If you are reading, DishNetwork, your product is LOUSY!!!!

Someone hit fast-forward please and let's get this season started. Cut two weeks off of spring training, move up the start of the season by that same amount, and hey, the playoffs suddenly don't take all of the month of November to finish!

Lets Go Mets already. Sheesh.

Mets: How to Enjoy a Spring Training Game

2007-03-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

Today's game against the Marlins featured a remarkable display of bad play in the top of the second. The net result: three very unearned runs, and a four run deficit for Mets leading pitcher Tom Glavine.

Were this the regular season, I would be all upset and swearing at second baseman Jose Valentin, at manager Willie Randolph for running him out there every day, at David Wright for making yet another throwing error, blah blah blah blah blah, undoing all the blood-pressure-reducing pillpopping that my doctor enforced on me this offseason.

Instead, I was amazed to find myself really enjoying the game. Each muffed play seemed funnier than the last. In fact, the last time I laughed so much at a sporting event was the last full-fledged softball game I was a part of, in which the score ended up something like 23-22 in six innings.

Spring training is the proball equivalent of Celebrity Softball. It's just great to be watching my favorite team, listening to my favorite broadcasting team, lying on the sofa with the promise of a good hot day just outside of my wide open front door.

Dreams of cheering the Mets during a postseason run are far, far from my thoughts. This is just good old entertainment for now. So I won't be feeling any intense thoughts or making any tough, darkly perceptive analyses of individual player performances. Instead:

I'll be laughing at the tip-toeing way Shawn Green goes after fly balls, looking as if he is practicing for the Balanchine Ballet company up until the moment he belly-flops for a routine pop fly -- in seeming slow motion, no less!
I'll be playing the part of Judge for the Jose Reyes Smile-a-Like contest, with Carlos Beltran actually lighting up the dugout with his shiny white teeth.
And doing impressions of Ruben Sierra's mincing in the batters box, combining it most logically with the Crane Style Fighting Technique from the original "Karate Kid" film with Ralph Macchio.

And of course, whooping and cheering at the majestic home run to left-center that David Wright just hit. I am, after all, a gen-u-ine Mets fan, and can't help but punch happily at the air when the boys do good. Zowie. That thing was HIT!

MLB Extra Innings -- Drama in Paradise!

2007-03-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

I'm delighted to be watching a Mets game on channel 11's feed out of NYC, arriving in my television way out here in Los Angeles at 10 in the morning! Who cares that these games don't mean a thing; that I'll only get to see my Mets favorites for only a few innings; that the game will feature a lot of shoddy play, indifferent performance, or that it'll still be nearly a month before my real knuckle-chewing, bug-eyed intensity for cheering on the Mets can begin in earnest.

Mets telecasts are just like an electronic passive babysitter for me. Turn on the game and you can leave me alone for the next three hours. Don't worry about me burning down the house or blowing up the kitchen or otherwise getting into trouble. I'll be focussed on those grown men standing around on that pretty green field.

MLB's pending deal of offering their Extra Innings package exclusively with DirecTV might take that all away.

Okay, that's being overly dramatic. Since I'm a grown man, I can easily call DishNetwork, cancel my subscription, and then call up DirecTV and have them install their system here. It's a bit of a hassle, sure, but it that's the only choice MLB will give me to watch the Mets from my home in Los Angeles, it's not too bad a price to pay.

There's really nothing to complain about, now that I consider this deal. The cost will be the same to me no matter which system I use, be it cable, Dish, Direc, whatever. Plus, much like Corporate America, the only way I can actually get more perks is by changing companies. Meaning that I will be treated better as a newcomer than I would as a loyal veteran.

See, although I have been a Dish subscriber for years, they refuse to give me anything more for free. When I request any of their "new subscriber" promotions -- i.e. additional receivers, HD, DVD recorders, hard drive recorder receivers, dancing girls, visits from Army Recruiters -- I just get sneered at by their telephone service reps.

Now, if I jump ship and head for DirecTV, they'll give me everything but a new TV set for free. Multiple receivers, a couple of months of HBO, digital recorders, HD capability, and heavy discounts on my subscription. Finally, if the MLB deal is actually approved by the FCC or whomever is currently standing in its way, this will be the only choice I would have to see my babysitting Mets games.

From my viewpoint, MLB and DirecTV can do whatever they want. It's not a matter of loyalty, nor a question of quality. I only wish they'd make a decision already, so I can be assured that I will not miss a game on my Precious TV. Precioussssssssssss.

More Orientals In Baseball!!!!

2007-02-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

Speaking for all Orientals all over the world, I hereby insist and demand that there be more Orientals in the front offices of baseball clubs!

Major League Baseball is over a century old and is branching out internationally. And yet, in addition to the 1,799 white (Caucasian-Amerian) employees of the major league front office personnel, and the few hundred black (African-American) and the scattering of latinos (Mexican-American, Domican-American, and El Chupanibre-Amerians), there is only one known Oriental (Asian-Amerian) employee in the front office of any MLB club (Dodgers) -- and the only press she got was when a Caucasian-Amerian employee from the Mets front office leered at her a couple of years back.

And where are the Oriental coaches? The Oriental managers? The Oriental minor league training staff? And even Oriental concessionaires meandering the crowded aisles of American ballparks? Where are they? Why isn't MLB doing more to help the poor, oppressed, ignored, waffle-stomped, repressed, pathetic Oriental Asian Amerians?

It's time to take a stand, Oriental America! We deserve parity with every other ethnic-American group. We have been been treated shabbily, yea, shabbily, I say, by all the employers of this country, especially MLB. Stand up and shake off the stereotype that we are short! Well, I'm only five foot six, but I'm standing!

MLB, stop wasting time talking about increasing opportunities to already-represented minorities. You've already GOT a few black managers, a bunch of latinos, a native american or two, and a whole stableful of lawyers. It's time to make a real difference in your Push for Diversity. It's time you made an Oriental woman a manager of a major league team.

If Art Howe can hold down such a job, there's no excuse for someone as qualified as Sandra Oh, Lucy Liu, or Michelle Lee not to be given a shot.

Orientals In Baseball. Catch Them. This Time It Counts.

Keisuke Hoashi
Oriental Since 1967
This has been a post dripping with irony and sarcasm. As if you didn't already figure that out.

Personal Finance: When is Renting NOT Wasting Money? Answer ...

2007-01-19T17:34:00.000-08:00

For a very long time, my concept of "Personal Finances" consisted solely of believing that if you wanted to BUY something, you absolutely, positively MUST have the money to pay for it. After all, that's how things worked when you went to the corner newsstand, the supermarket, or the to pizza store.

That mindset works wonderfully for credit card bills. Thanks to my sister and my mom, I have always made a point of paying off EVERY such bill IN FULL, every month, no excuses. They taught me that paying any kind of interest, finance charge, etc. is a shameful waste of money, and money should either be spent of saved, NEVER wasted.

Then I bought my first car.

Although I had a fine job at the NCR Corporation, there was no way I could consider buying $18,000 of automobile on a credit card, and paying for it in full at the end of the billing cycle. Nor did I have a checking account with that kind of money in it -- and even if I had, draining it would have made buying gas, groceries, heat, and rent impossible. So how is it possible for anyone to buy something so expensive?

That was when I learned about "financing". That you could borrow a huge chunk of money from a bank, and then pay it back a little at a time. The catch -- and it's a gigantic one -- is that you get charged a large fee for each payment. So instead of paying the $18,000 the car actually cost, you end up paying close to $25,000 for the privilege of borrowing someone else's money.

I hated the concept. It may be legal, it may even be fair and reasonable, but what it really means is that I wasted seven thousand dollars over sixty months.

My sister, and many people around the world, insist that renting an apartment is an even bigger waste of money. And there is lots of documentation to support this position:

If you rent an apartment for $1,000/month for ten years, you will have paid $120,000 in rent.
If you bought a condo for $120,000, you can pay it off for $1100/month for a 10-year mortgage (loan) at 6.25% and a 20% down payment of $24,000 (total payments of $155,000, which include $35,000 in interest costs.)

So at the end of thirteen years and $155,000, the condo buyer has been living payment-free for three years, while the apartment dweller has continued paying a thousand bucks a months and will continue until death. If that's another 40 years, that's nearly a HALF-MILLION DOLLARS total.

From this example, it looks like buying a home is unquestionably the most economical solution, right? Even with the $35,000 in interest payments, the homeowner could conceivably not have to spend another dime in home payments for the rest of their life.

However, look at what happens as the price of the house/condo rises:

$120,000 = $1100/month = $155,000 total payments (6.25%, 20% down, 10 yr loan) = $35,000 interest
$250,000 = $1700/month = $360,000 total payments (6.25%, 20% down, 15 yr loan) = $110,000 interest
$250,000 = $1250/month = $500,000 total payments (6.25%, 20% down, 30 yr loan) = $250,000 interest
$500,000 = $2500/month = $980,000 total payments (6.25%, 20% down, 30 yr loan) = $480,000 interest (!!!)

From this calculation, it looks to me that once your total homeowning payments EXCEED the $500,000 estimated cost of renting over your lifetime, the cost of owning a home is no longer worth bragging about to your friends.

This "sweet spot" number, according to my calculations, is around $300,000. Anything more than that, and you're spending more money on buying the house than you would just renting a place for a thousand bucks a month.

Here in Los Angeles, the median price for a home is $500,000 -- fully $200K higher than that "sweet spot". My rent for my wonderful 1-bedroom loft apartment, where I've been living for eight years, is right around $1100, so I've paid about $100K for this place. My rent paid during my lifetime to date is roughly $200K. And if I live another 40 years, that should bring my grand total up to, say, $650,000 in rent payments.

The whole point of this dreary post was purely selfish. I needed to figure out at what point it would make financial sense to stop renting an apartment and start paying for a townhouse. And my conclusions?

Well, fourteen years ago, when I arrived in Los Angeles and 1-bedroom condos could be had for $125K, THAT was that mythical point of Financial Sense. Today, that exact same tiny condo runs for $450K, which would translate into:

Doubled monthly payment (from $1100 to $2400)
Additional payments for Homeowner Association fees (appx $300/month)
Up to half a million dollars in money wasted in the form of interest payments to the bank

So much for buying a townhouse in this town. Now, of course, if I moved to, say, Oneonta, NY, I could buy a duplex for $145,000 ...

No. Los Angeles is my home. And that's a tradeoff that's worth the $650,000 Lifetime Rent Payments.

Second Base For Sale

2007-01-15T20:38:00.000-08:00

Second base has been an exciting turnstile over the last few years for the Metskis. I grew up in the era of Felix Millan (who never missed a game due to injury) and then Doug Flynn, who won a Gold Glove at the position on a team whose only goal was NOT to lose 100 games in a season. I of course remember Wally Backman of the mid-80s teams, and then Edgardo Alfonzo manning the position for the Best Infield in History in 1999.

I wonder if a great second baseman will be the fabled "final piece of the puzzle" for today's Mets to finally advance again to the World Series?

It's the only position with no clear frontrunner anymore on the team. Say you like about incumbent Jose Valentin, but I've seen better second sacker defense from kittens wearing oven mittens. (No wait, I think that was a cartoon. But you know what I mean.) I leave it to the other, purely statisician-blooded bloggers to point out his second-half collapse and deafening silence during the playoffs.

The Mets interesting recent history of second basemen runs along thusly:

Jose Reyes was the best second baseman the team has had for some time, but he's even better as a shortstop.
Kazuo Matsui was despised by Mets management and fanbase alike, and never managed to win either group over to his side. He can hit and he can field, but he could see that he would never get any love from his bosses and left. He now is the starting second baseman for the Rockies and apparantly loving it.
Jeff Keppinger was a favorite of Art Howe, which may as well have been the kiss of death. He also fielded like Mo Vaughn and has disappeared.
Ty Wigginton played a few games there, and was used to get a pitcher from the Pirates (who was used to get a pitcher from the Orioles) before signing with the Devil Rays as their slugging utility player.
Chris Woodward seemed to make an error every day he played at second. Really likable fellow, I actually met him at Dodger Stadium last year, but he had no shot at the daily gig when he was such a useful backup.
Anderson Hernandez looks like a chubby Jose Reyes, and is delightful to watch on defense at the keystone as well as dancing in the dugout with the Dominican. But hitting makes Doug Flynn look like David Wright, and Mets Manager Willie Randolph has no use for guys who can't hit home runs.

Watch for another spinning turnstile at the Keystone this season. There are no obvious frontrunners, so this means we can be in for a wonderful surprise. Maybe Anderson will learn what a curve ball looks like. Maybe Valentin will turn into Chuck Knoblach (or Steve Sax) and force Willie to use him as he should: as a backup and pinch hitter. Or maybe Felix Millan will resurrect his mustache and glove and show up for Spring Training, and fill the Mets last glaring weakness.

One month before Spring Training begins. I'm all atitter with anticipation.

A Requiem for Trannie

2007-01-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

For all my bashing of the talented, hard-working centerfielder of the New York Mets, I feel that MLB.com's final article of the year went a bit too far.

Carlos Beltran has had the whole offseason to think about what might have happened if he had swung at a pitch from Cardinals rookie Adam Wainwright with two strikes, two out, bases loaded and the Mets trailing in the bottom of the ninth of a Game 7 that decided the NL pennant. He was Carlos the Cardinal Killer -- that's what Cardinals co-owner Fred Hanser even said after the game. No one expected Beltran to take that pitch. It was a strike and St. Louis went on to win the World Series. If Beltran had swung, it's possible that the Mets would have won the World Series.

It's also possible that had Beltran swung, he would have struck out swinging. Or he could have hit the catcher in the forehead. Or he could have injured his quadriceps and corkscrewed into the ground, screaming in agony. Or -- thanks to the Chaos Theory Butterfly Effect -- it's possible that it could have started a chain reaction that will knock another Canadian ice shelf loose, eventually causing massive floods and a new fad for "Beltran's Glacier Cubes" in your grocer's freezer.

I have never been a fan of Carlos Beltran. However, I am a firm believer in the belief that no one player loses a game (well, unless your name is Billy Wagner or Armando Benitez or Braden Looper, that is), and while Trannie was indeed the fellow who made the last out of the Mets' season, the man who will be the Charlie Brown Goat of the 2006 season, the man who will be remembered for taking strike three with the bat on his shoulder when the entire season was on the line ...

What was i saying? Oh right, well, remember, I was never a Trannie fan.

The point is, Trannie had lots of other teammates who did not deliver in the clutch, either. Aaron Heilman gave up a gopher ball that was far more damaging than Trannie's un-swing. David Wright didn't hit a ball hard the entire game, even striking out in the 8th when he should have been modifying his swing to get on base at all costs. Carlos Delgado didn't deliver. Endy Chavez didn't break the Mendoza line. Shawn Green ... well, he's not a big fan fave right now. In fact, everyone in that lineup took responsibility for not scoring more than one run against that Cardinals' pitching staff.

Mark Newman's MLB.com's article was needlessly hard on Mr. Beltran. Despite the truth that every Met and baseball fan in the world is rightfully disgusted with him for taking strike three with the bat on his shoulder, it is unfair to even suggest that a Trannie swing in that situation would have won the Mets a World Series. It could have won a game, a series, a pennant, and the hearts of New Yorkers, perhaps even my fandom (which I'm sure is worth just as much to him, snort snort) -- but even a grand slam that landed in Rhode Island would not have won the World Series.

I have no problem criticizing Trannie's performance based on his performance. But basing it on what I wish might possibly happen? That's just mean-spirited and unprofessional. And entirely against the standard I've been holding myself to on this blog.

Still, dammit, Trannie, rent yourself a copy of Mookie's at-bat in the exact same situation in the 1986 World Series, game 6, and LEARN.

The Interminable Postseason Broadcasts

2006-10-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for Tom Glavine's gem in the first game of this series. Not for the shutout innings he pitched, or for making the deadliest hitter in the universe, Al Pujols, frustrated and grumpy, but for doing it all quickly and efficiently.

FOX sports needs to take their cue from Tommie G. I've watched about 100,000 hours of baseball in my life, and none of those hours have dragged as onorously as these past six games I've been forced to watch on FOX.

The commercial breaks are painfully longer. The yakking and gabbing in the booth are completely devoid of intelligence and interest, especially the pre-game shows with their clueless commentators.

Meanwhile, the pitchers and hitters also should take their cue from Glavine. When I watched Game 2 of the current series on tape, I found I needed to hold down the fast-forward button in between pitches almost three times longer than in any regular season game.

Okay, that's enough for my selfish ignorant ranting. I don't want to sound like a typical blogger ALL the time, after all!

LASIK EYE SURGERY: RELIVING THE TERROR

2006-10-08T00:46:00.000-07:00

Now that I own a DVD recorder, I have been slowly converting all of my personal videotapes to DVD, and exulting in tossing the now-bulky VHS tapes into the dumpster downstairs. Reclaiming shelf space that had long been dedicated to videotape storage is a huge relief. I would even call it "therapeutic" had I any need for therapy.

What I'm converting right now is the most horrifying, terrifying videotape in my collection. It is not an old tape of me as a baby running around nude, or of me singing a karaoke song to a long-exxed ex-girlfriend. It is a videotape of the eye surgery I underwent nearly nine years ago, in 1997, at Dr. Douglas Steele's clinic on Larchmont Street in Los Angeles.

The first half of the videotape is a close-up shot of each of my eyeballs in succession. There is no audio, and the camera is actually connected directly to the laser sighting system focussed on my actual soft and squishy eyeball. I'm actually rather thankful it's utterly silent, because hearing the sounds of the laser, the microkeratome, the various tools, and so on, would make it even more terrifying to re-live.

I found an unexpected bonus after the close-up: there was actually a second camera shooting the procedure from the waiting room, where one of Dr. Steele's assistants (Richard) was thoughtful enough to give a sparse narration of the operations. A hospital-gowned assistant inside the operating theatre is unfortunately standing right in front of me during the whole thing, but she occassionally moves enough for me to see my face beneath what looks like a small x-ray machine, with the doctor peering through a stereo microscope as he cuts and burns my eyeballs.

My hands are clasped on my belly all throughout, upon a grid-patterened shirt that I still have in my closet. I remember now that they told me to wear comfortable clothes, and that was one of the best ... ook, the assistant moved, and i can see myself staring up at the now-clicking laser. The clicking goes on and on and on and on and on ...

I was among the first wave of desperately nearsighted people to agree to undergo the LASIK procedure. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. But this miraculous re-sculpting of my corneas was the best unnecessary surgery I could ever have done to myself.

My eyes had been the worst that ANYONE had ever seen. My best friend's mom introduced me to the phrase "coke bottles" to describe my huge, heavy, thick spectacles that I first wore in the second grade. Later, as my eyes worsened and I decided to start wearing contact lenses, the prescription dove from a relatively bad -6 to a horrific -10.25 by the time I graduated college.

Fifteen minutes of terror have been completely, absolutely worth it. No more do I need to spend $500 on a pair of glasses, or wait up to three months for Bausch & Lomb to manufacture one of those immensely powerful scraps of plastic to put on my eyeballs.

Ack -- there is more on this tape. I'm now watching my touch-up surgery on my right eye, where you see the extreme close-up of the LASIK corneal flap being teased open. and all of the blood vessels in the whites of my eyes popping out during this second procedure. Ugh! Okay, enough, I'm going to go puke.

That's ONE more videotape down.

Technical Post: DVD Recorders Suck Ass

2006-10-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

That's right, I said it, and I will say it again: DVD RECORDERS SUCK ASS.

Why?

DELAY. You can't start or stop recording instantly. There is always a delay of up to three to five seconds.
FINALIZATION. Many recorders, if not all, require an invisible last step in burning a DVD, called "Finalize Disc" -- which if you don't read the manual from front to back, you will never know exists. Translation: if you don't finalize your DVD, it will only play in your machine.
FRAGILITY. My top-of-the-line Sony RDR-VX515 needed to be sent to their repair service for faulty audio circuitry after less than six months.
"INF WRITE". Every time you press STOP on the DVD recorder, there is a wait while the recorder actually writes the information onto the disc. The front of the machine and the TV flash "writing information onto the disc, please wait." I recorded game 2 of the Mets-Dodgers NLDS game today, filled the two-hour disc, pressed STOP when the disc was full in the bottom of the 8th ... and waited ... and waited ... and the game was actually over before the damned disc finished writing information to the disc. Which, if it had been engineered well in the first place, it would have been doing all those two hours, dammit!
QUALITY. The top-quality recording speed, HQ, is the only one that produces VHS-quality (SP) results. Every other setting (HSX, SP, LP, EP, XP, LMNOP, etc.) results in increasingly noticable jpg/mpg/compression artifacts, muddier colors, and just plain bad results.

I have been using VCRs, audio tapes, and other recording media for my entire life, and nothing compares to this damned DVD recorder for foul user experiences. Even the cheapest of VCRs provide superior subjective results, much more intuitive and easy user experiences, and far less frustration.

So for all of you who think you MUST throw away your VCRs and buy a brand spanking new DVD recorder ... you should save your money and your sanity and just keep your old VCR. Or maybe a Tivo unit ... hmm .. I'll have to give that a shot next.

Once again: consumer DVD set-top recorders totally suck ass.

JUST FOR CARLOS

2006-10-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

There is no shame in a little vanity, is there? Myself, I am a little dismayed at the appearance of bright white hairs in my chin whenever I forget to shave for a few days, or the growing and shrinking and growing outward bulge of my stomach in the mirror, or the growing numbers of freckles and splotches and other colored spots on my face.

So I feel better about my own vain failings when I see that the hitting star of the Mets-Dodgers game, Carlos Delgado, is just as vain as I.

This entire season, Delgado's thick goatee has showed a prominent sprinkling of silver. Not enough to make him look like a grandfather, but enough to clearly show that he's no kid anymore.

We turned on the game yesterday to cheer all four of Delgado's hits -- but were immediately distracted by the deep, unbroken carpet of jet-black facial hair decorating his massive chin. Seriously, he looked as if Groucho Marx had drawn on Delgado's face.

With the 4-for-5 game Delgado had yesterday with that chunk of felt on his chin, I'm expecting every single one of the Mets team members to shave their heads and draw a Carlos Marx goatee on their countenances. Maybe I will, too.

(And how beautiful was that shot of Paul LoDuca stepping over JD Drew's prone form after tagging him out at the plate yesterday? I was waiting for him to stomp on his back and grind his heel, too.)

Let's go Mets.

Lying in the High Weeds

2006-09-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

The Mets have sucked as badly this past week as they did under the funereal Art Howe for two entire years. And predictably, with a single fragmented yet entirely united voice, every single blogger and reporter has taken up the cry: "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! THE METS ARE GOING TO BE DESTROYED IN THE PLAYOFFS UNLESS THEY START BUILDING SOME MOMENTUM!"

Personally, I think this is all part of the Mets' extensively detailed psychological warfare plan against the rest of the league.

That's right, I firmly believe that the Mets are deliberately playing poorly in order to trick all of their potential opposition -- including naysaying bloggers worldwide -- into overconfidence. What better way to set things up than to lull the other playoff teams into a false sense of overconfidence, and then drop the hammer of Reyes - Wright on them like Bugs Bunny smacking Gruesome the Gorilla with a Volkswagon-sized mallet?

Keith Hernandez called it "my hiding place in the high weeds" whenever he KNEW what the pitcher was going to throw. I think that's what the Mets are doing. They are lying down, playing dead, playin' possum, lying in the high weeds, waiting crocodile-like in the lagoon for a wildebeast in a Padres (Dodgers?) uniform to wander too confidently and cockily down to the waterhole.

Because these Mets will erupt from the muddy, mosquito-infested, muck-filled still waters with their jaws gaping wide, roaring, and biting the ass clear off of that unsuspecting opponent.

I think my universe is so much more fun to live in than that of a naysaying sports columnist like David Lennon, don't you?

Let's go Mets.

Manager of the What?

2006-09-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

Much of the press has been lobbying for Willie Randolph to be named "Manager of the Year."

Pardon me? I thought one had to actually MANAGE a baseball team in order to be even considerd for the award. (Drum fill here.)

I have no recollection of Willie having made any attempt to "manage" in the nearly two years he has been in charge of the Mets. At least, there has been no indication of it on the field. In tonight's game, for example: three runs down, nobody out, two men on, seventh inning, and the bottom of the order coming up. Perfect situation for a manager to call for some kind of play to "make something happen".

The results? Strikeout, walk, strikeout, forceout.

Willie made no call for any type of play or any kind of strategy, other than "swing for the fences."

I got spoiled by Bobby Valentine, Bobby Cox, Gil Hodges, and Davey Johnson, former Mets managers who were very good at making things happen with their very aggressive style of baseball managing. They all ran a pretty exciting brand of baseball, all very aware of playing the percentages yet tempering it with intuition and psychology, somehow always managing to wring the absolute best from every man on the 25-player roster.

In contrast, Willie either seems only to ignore his players, or chew them out in the newspapers.

He is extraordinarily lucky to have such a talented group of players, filled with so many natural leaders and experienced baseball men who know how to adjust to different situations. It seems that there are at least a half dozen managers on the team taking up the slack for Willie -- Julio Franco, Carlos Delgado, Paul LoDuca, Tom Glavine, David Wright, and so on.

Before anyone prematurely gives Willie the "Manager of the Year" award, let's put him in charge of the Florida Marlins and see if he could have kept them in the Wild Card race. Or give him the motley collection of Mets in their latest World Series year of 2000 and see if Willie would work the same magic with names like Agbayani, Timo, Derek Bell, and John Franco.

A Frightening Revealation

2006-09-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

I've never been a baseball bandwagoneer. Not once have I become a "temporary fan" of a team that is doing well. Oh, I've tried, like when the Marlins won the World Series a couple of years back, or when the Diamondbacks slapped down the Yankees in the 7th game, or even when the Red Sox pulled off their comeback-of-the-millenium and won the playoffs after being down three games to none against the Yanks.

But I'm a Mets fan.

Not a baseball fan. A Mets fan.

Which means that if the Mets aren't playing, my interest in the sport completely vanishes. It's rather like being a pheromone-triggered animal, the type that completely ignores the opposite sex until mating season begins. Or being a human who is only in love with one other person, and only has eyes for them.

Wow. I'm in love with the Mets. That's ... kinda ... scary.

Okay, I've sufficiently freaked myself out that I will stop blogging right here and go take a cold shower.

METS: A fragile team

2006-06-07T00:15:00.000-07:00

I've been at both Mets-Dodgers games this week, enjoying the tension and immediacy of watching live baseball with my best gal, Kristen. Unfortunately, it's been at Dodger Stadium, to which there is not a single form of mass/public transit available. This is why NY is superior to LA; in NY, you can get to all kinds of interesting things without jamming up the city in your car.

But I've already digressed. Kristen noted that despite the fact that most of the Mets are huge, healthy, powerful men, and have an incredibly stacked and powerful (and impressively hot and handsome) lineup ... their entire team as a whole in remarkably fragile.

Take tonight's game. Manager Willie Randolph inexplicably chose to rest Jose Reyes tonight and start their top bench man, Chris Woodward, in his place at short. Without their leadoff man, the team was missing any kind of spark, energy, whatever you would like to call it. Woody is a competent player, but he can't EXCITE the team like Reyes can.

Then came Cliff Floyd's gruesome freak ankle sprain. He had been smacking the bejeezus out of the ball of late, and suddenly while going first to third on a base hit, he catches a spike, folds his ankle beneath him like a collapsing garden hose, and has to be half-carried off the field. Endy Chavez replaces him, but he simply cannot replace Cliff's charisma, leadership, and gigantic presence.

Suddenly, two major chunks of the Mets Starting Lineup Matrix are missing. And the team simply could not compensate.

Making matters worse is the continued presence of Jose Valentin at second base. He has repeatedly admitted that this is his weakest position - I believe he was trained as a shortstop? But since he has been hitting so much better than Kazuo Matsui, Willie has run him out there every day for well over a week now. To nobody's surprise, today's sixth inning revealed that Willie has pushed the team's luck too far by doing this.

Combining their worst-fielding second baseman with an untrained shortstop, tonight the two combined to miss several ground balls, muff multiple double plays, and throw away a routine ball into the back of the dugout.

Where was i going with this? Oh, I'll work on that tomorrow. It's late. 4 am new york time.

METS: WILLIE'S HYPOCRITICAL OATH

2006-05-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

So much for my optimism for Kazuo Matsui. Although he has transformed himself into the Mets' best-fielding second baseman, he has been in a fairly long hitting slump. As a result, prior to today's game against the Florida Marlins, Mets manager Willie Randolph announced that Matsui has once again lost his job as the Mets starting second baseman.

At the same time, Willie announced himself to be baseball's biggest hypocrite.

If Kaz's poor hitting and excellent fielding justifies Willie's decision, then using IDENTICAL criteria, what are Xavier Nady, Cliff Floyd, Carlos Delgado, and Jose Reyes doing with regular starting jobs? Every one of these players are in a slump. Floyd's average is actually much LOWER than Matsui's. In addition, Nady and Delgado are poor/terrible fielders, making their apparant value even lower than Matsui's. Yet Willie is not talking to the press about any of them.

Willie's hypocrisy extends even to opening day. Anderson Hernandez, the Mets opening day second baseman, was a flashy fielder who was woefully overmatched against Major League pitching. He barely hit over .100 over nearly a month of regular play - more than 100 points LOWER than Matsui's worst numbers - yet Willie gave him his unconditional support in the press, staunchly saying things like "he's my second baseman" or "we can carry one guy who's not hitting" and the like.

Utter hypocrisy from the Mets manager. He is clearly singling out Matsui for this shabby treatment. Why, I do not know.

Every baseball player has a weakness. Delgado, for example, has more strikeouts than hits. Beltran has poor split-second judgement on throws to the plate. David Wright has more critical late-inning throwing errors than anyone in baseball history, I think. And Tom Glavine needed nearly three years to rethink his obsolete pitching strategies before he returned to his former excellent form.

Willie never cuts down any other one of his players in the press. If they read the papers, all they would read are supportive, encouraging, optimistic words from their manager. Matsui is the only player who receives such shabby treatment; and this is just two days after Willie told the press that Matsui is the regular second baseman! No explanation, just this sudden turnabout, deliberately contradicting his words and by implication telling Matsui that he wants him off the team.

Willie Randolph is a hypocrite when it comes to Kazuo Matsui. Whatever his reasons, they can only be bad. And like our President George W. Bush, Willie needs to work on being a more convincing liar if he ever hopes to get away with his blatant hypocrisy.

METS: WARNING! GROWN-UP WATCHING BASEBALL!

2006-05-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I hated -- HATED -- the dreaded "pitching duel". Nine innings of no runs, scattered singles, routine ground balls and fly balls, absolutely nothing for a kid to watch.

Somewhere in the last couple of decades, though, something changed inside my head. Somehow, watching a game where hitters didn't hit, runners didn't score, and pitchers didn't really get into trouble became ... interesting.

I had turned into that most horrible of sports fans. The Grown Up Baseball Fan, AIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHH. The kind of fan who can fill in the many dead spots of a ballgame with his own imagination (although I am happy to report that I at least do not fill it up with pointless boring statistics), creating tension inside his head in between pitches, hoping desperately for the best for his team and the worst for their opponents.

Fortunately, last night's game may have cured me. One of the more excruciatingly boring baseball games I remember, it featured hitters not getting hits; pitchers not really having problems throwing the ball to the catcher; runners not getting on base or scoring; and amidst it all, Steve Tracshel tossing an average of a pitch an hour.

I wasn't even watching the game live, I was speeding through it on tape, and still I was bored. So bored, I was unwilling to even try to engage my imagination to make it more interesting to watch. I finally caught up with the live portion in the top of the ninth, based loaded, one man out. Wright fans, Cliff grounds out, game over, Cards win 1-0.

Were I still a mature, grown-up baseball fan, I would have shut off the TV, feeling satisfied that I had witnessed a Great Pitcher's Duel. And Although My Mets Had Lost, They Had Played A Great Game.

Barf on all that. The first step in solving my problem of being a Grown Up was realizing I had a problem, and tonight's dull contest kicked my problem in the crotch. I'm going back to being a kid watching baseball, where I can whoop and holler during the great times, and grumble and whine and go for ice cream when another damned pitcher's duel comes up. Only since I'm actually approaching my fourth decade of life, I can get away with swearing aloud when that happens.

METS: BLOGGING IS FUN AGAIN!

2006-05-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

The Mets have a serious problem. Starting pitchers are falling like wet snowflakes off of the active roster. Replacements are collapsing like dynamated office buildings, or else getting lit up like epileptic pinball machines and draining the bullpen faster than George W. Bush's Approval Ratings are plummeting.

Blogging is fun again!

If you have ever studied scriptwriting, playwrighting, novel writing, or any kind of writing, you will know that the lifeblood of any story is conflict. Your characters absolutely must face problems, massive problems, and readers will only read about your characters if their problems are interesting enough to hold their attention.

Problems/Conflicts may be personal (a hopeless love, for example), technical ("Captain! Me engines won't take much more of this!"), corporate ("Greed is good"), whatever. As long as it is something the audience will enjoy watching the main characters suffer, and will love watching them find they way out of their problem/conflict, you have the makings of an interesting story.

Conversely, nobody wants to read a story or watch a movie about someone who always gets whatever they want, or who never runs into a difficult problem their entire life.

The 2006 Mets were a little bit like that.

Carlos Delgado has struck out forty times, but is hitting close to .300 with 11 home runs and 25 RBIs.
Carlos Beltran was scared of NY fans for over a year, but after grandpa Julio Franco told him to get over it and take the curtain call early in the year, Beltran (aka "Trannie") is suddenly playing good baseball and is no longer whining to the media.
Kazuo Matsui is playing the best ball of his major league career, silencing the boo-birds utterly with his improved fielding and hitting (and remember boo-birds, you can have either Kaz or Anderson Hernandez, he of the .128 batting average).
Jose Valentin and Endy Chavez stopped hitting worse than Anderson Hernandez.

In fact, the only lingering problem to now was Cliff Floyd's unfortunate .185 batting average. But as every ball he hits is ALMOST a hit, it doesn't deserve more than a mention in any blog.

But wait! Pedro and Glavine are fine, but Tracshel is inconsistent ... Bannister, the feel-good story of the year, goes down with a hamstring pull ... his replacement, John Maine, goes down with a busted blood vessel in his finger ... Victor Zambrano rips his tendon off of its elbow bone ... Jose Lima arrives with an albino afro and pitches not even well enough to lose ... the Mets refuse to pull Aaron Heilman out of the bullpen, even though they really, really need a good starting pitcher now ...

It's a curse to all the suffering ballplayers. But it's a godsend to bloggers and even sportswriters all over the world!

Remember, a story without a problem is a dull tale. And while it's not a grand bull moose antler doozie, boy, the Mets suddenly have PROBLEMS. And I finally have something to write about on this blog. Boy, I'm a terrible person.

METS: THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS MASSAGE THERAPIST

2006-04-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

Kelly Calabrese should be thanking Keith Hernandez about now. His comments about her have raised her from total anonymity to Iconic Status.

For those of you who still don't know the situation: Calabrese is the official "Massage Therapist" for the San Diego Padres. She is on of their physical training staff, the only woman in that position in all of Major League Baseball.

Until Keith Hernandez spotted her in the Padres' dugout last week, joining in the congratulations that Mike Piazza was receiving for his 399th career homer, I'm quite sure that nobody outside of her friends and family knew her name, face, career choice, employee title, etc.

Suddenly, she has her very own feature article and interview on MLB.com, one of the biggest sites on the internet. Her name has appeared repeatedly in every major American newspaper; her face on every television and cable network news show; she has been talked about all over the internet, on TV broadcasts, sports broadcasts, etc.

Some of these people talking about her have raised her up as a symbol for women, an icon of succeeding against all odds in the male-dominated business of baseball. She herself has been quoted as condemning Hernandez for disrespecting ALL women for his comments, and for identifying herself as a possible inspiration to all girl baseball fans.

Less than two weeks later, nobody remembers the incident, and nobody remembers Calabrese outside of her friends, family, and co-workers. The whole thing has been relegated to where it belongs: as an occassional mention on a nobody's blog (like mine). The whole thing was a silly, overblown incident, and thank goodness it's dissolved exactly as it should.

Which just leaves one unanswered question: Miss/Mrs Calabrese, why were you in disguise during that game? Why were you in a Padres uniform, rather than the standard polo shirt and sweatpants of every other trainer in the big leagues?

See? I can be just as pointless as any reporter.

METS: PLAYING THE RACE CARD

2006-04-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

Before you begin reading, please be aware that I am a minority. I've been an Oriental my whole life long, born to Japanese parents and raised in an intensely Jewish neighborhood within sight of Shea Stadium in New York City. I have been making a pretty good living as an actor out in Hollywood for more than the last decade-- and it's taken me my entire life to get over being a minority.

All that said, I think I can say -- a wee bit more safely than a caucasian male blogger -- that Willie Randolph's managerial job for the Mets reeks of affirmative action. I judged Willie to be a poor people person almost as soon as Spring Training last year; I downgraded him to a poor baseball person with his horrible management of the team throughout his rookie season.

This year continues his self-created condemnation. His batting order is obviously not working, yet he continues sticking to it. His management of people is even worse: look at his continual demeaning of Kaz Matsui in the press, while he coddles Carlos Beltran and Victor Zambrano and virtually every other team member to the same beat writers. He repeats his bullpen management mistakes every day; and he is allowing Beltran to hold the entire team hostage as he stays off the DL, dooming the Mets to Endy Chavez's daily wild swings. (There's a reason Chavez was never a long-term, established Major League starter, mister Randolph.)

But back to the race card.

When Willie was first hired, I wondered briefly at all the ballyhoo surrounding "The First Black Manager in New York". His track record was quite bad: eleven managerial interviews and one job offer. Was it possible that ten other general managers judged his SKILLS to be lacking? That a majority of talent judges recognized that he would be a poor manager?

Making Willie a Mets manager was a public relations coup, and the Mets and the press certainly played up the race card ceaselessly. These same people who waste foot after foot of column space condemning Keith Hernandez's sexist remarks are somehow not spending a pica on Willie's obvious shortcomings as a manager. Could it be they are all terrified of being labeled "RACIST" for daring to criticize a man who refuses to adapt to obvious baseball situations?

In my opinion, the most qualified person should get the job, whether it be an office job, an acting job, or a baseball job. And if it turns out you've made a mistake, and chosen someone who turns out NOT to be able to do the job, fears of racial labeling should not stop you from replacing that person.

Willie has repeatedly shown himself to be nearly as bad as Art Howe in managing a baseball team. If the Mets used Willie to play the Black Race Card, they need to change their hand. Now.

METS: KEITH HERNANDEZ'S BIG MOUTH

2006-04-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

Keith Hernandez has become a good broadcaster. Over several years, and especially in comparison to many other ballplayers-turned-color-commentators, Hernandez has created an interesting, engaging persona that does a fine job in keeping the broadcast interesting.

In comparison, I suffered through tonight's broadcase with the Giants' spectacularly dull tandem of Duane Kuiper and someone else, who were dull, rarely spoke, and paid no attention to what was going on during the game. Hernandez still feels a genuine passion for baseball, and exhibits little patience with those who approach it with a lazy or indifferent or uneducated attitude.

His comments about the female member of the San Diego Padre training staff were not necessarily kind, openminded, or tasteful (although both his broadcast partner Gary Cohen and myself scoff openly at her title of "Massage Therapist"), but neither were they important enough to raise the national stink that they have.

I do not necessarily agree with Hernandez's remarks, but neither do I condemn him for his open, interesting, and very often insightful style of broadcasting. He really makes the Met games much more interesting to watch. Having a big mouth was a great thing for him as a player, it helped define him as a leader on every ballclub he played with.

It's also helping to define his style in his current profession, and despite his lack of professional journalistic training, he is easily among the top ten broadcasters working in baseball today. I know this quite well, having suffered through the tepid, home-team-prejudiced, and downright boring work of virtually every other Major League broadcasting team (seen via MLB.com and ESPN).

Keith, if you ever see this, please keep your big mouth OPEN. Don't let the pitiful sceptre of political correctness damp down your great presence in the booth.

And by the way, why was a member of the Padres training staff dressed in a full players' uniform that day? Isn't that unusual? And what is this about a masseuse in the dugout, anyway? If the Padres were really interested in sounding professional, why use such a bordello-ish term for a member of your medical staff? Sounds pretty skanky, especially in comparison to, say, "Second Assistant Trainer" or "Physical Therapist".

Mets: Time for a New Manager

2006-04-21T22:19:00.000-07:00

I've spent most of the last several Mets games in the wonderful virtual sports bar, over at AmazinAvenue.com. It's a lot of fun, hanging out with other knowledgable Mets fans with lots of opinions and lots of love for the team.

Most of us have agreed that Willie Randolph needs lessons in managing a baseball team.

In situation after situation that would have benefited from a manager's strategy, tactics, or even a fundamental knowledge of his players' skills and weaknesses, Willie received a glaringly failing grade from the fans gathered at AmazinAvenue.

Today's 14-inning marathon was filled with decisions-by-default by Mr. Randolph. But I have work to do I will just leave you with a weary:

Fire Willie.

METS: REWORK NEEDED

2006-04-18T00:53:00.000-07:00

Some very odd personnel decisions have been made on the Mets recently. I'm pleased that this is the only thing I have to complain about, after enduring the Art Howe era, but there are some problems that need to be addressed immediately IMHO.

THE BENCH.
Jose Valentin needs to be released. His career batting is well under .250, and he has struck out in virtually every plate appearance this year.
- The Mets already have "veteran presence" and professional pinch-hitter in Julio Franco;
- they already have a "jack of all gloves" in Chris Woodward;
- a defensive replacement outfielder (all positions) in Endy Chavez;
- and a replacement catcher in Ramon Castro.
Perhaps he's the obvious way to make room for Kaz Matsui this week or next?

THE BOTTOM OF THE LINEUP.
Anderson Hernandez and Endy Chavez must not, I repeat, NOT be allowed to take any full swings for the rest of their time with the Mets.
- They are light-hitting speedsters who consistently get overpowered by big league pitching.
- I would fine them $500 for every full swing they take, and force them to do nothing but bunt, baltimore chop, swinging bunt, butcher boys, anything but try to hit line drives.
- They simply cannot do it, and are hurting the team with their hideously overmatched hitting.
THE LINEUP.
There are some tweaks that still need to happen, and of course, we bloggers all have the RIGHT answer. Here's my version of it:
- LEADOFF: Carlos Beltran. He's got the eye to work the count; he's been walking and scoring plenty this year; and he claims that he loves to play littleball, while threatening his manager that he'll do it to the exclusion of his manager's opinions/orders. If that's so, the leadoff spot is where his arrogance would be most effective. Also, Jose Reyes is a dreadful leadoff hitter, despite being the Most Exciting Guy on the Team.
- 2nd: Jose Reyes. He's a perfect pesky table setter, but doesn't work the count at all, and swings at too many first pitches. With the speedy Beltran ahead of him, he won't miss out on more than one or two triples a year, and he provides the same electrically speedy baserunner for the heart of the lineup as in the leadoff spot.
- 3rd: Paul Loduca. If he's such a great #2 hitter and so hard to strike out, that makes him possibly the best hitter on the team. Which is the definition of a #3 hitter. He can continue his great work there.
The rest of the standard lineup is fine. You could put Wright in the 3-hole, and then put LoDuca ahead of Nady, but this is a great group of hitters #1 though 7.

Now what do you do while Beltran is being out for his "hammie" (probably a quiet punishement for his all-too-frequent vapor locks out on the field) and Cliff is out with a ribcage pull? Today's Chavez-Hernandez automatic outs in the 7 & 8 holes was painful to watch. And then when Valentin came in for Floyd, rather than the logical choice of Chris Woodward, oof, that was a fine example of why you don't spread weak hitter throughout the lineup.

METS: ANIME BATTING HELMETS

2006-04-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

What nerd designed the new Mets batting helmets? They look like something out of a giant robot anime, covered with superfluous bumps, ridges, and gouges. The four-limbed splash of blue on the front reminds me of the face-sucking alien in the "Alien" film series.

There's enough "flair" on these helmets to cause significant wind resistance. Perhaps this is why Jose Reyes looks slightly slower running the bases this year.

Overdesigning is more of a graphic arts sin than underdesigning. At least with the latter, you can claim to have been going for the beauty of minimalism & understatement. Overdesign, now, you get stuck with ugly, amateurish, dysfunctional junk -- like the 2006 Mets batting helmets.

METS: CHICK FLICKS 2005

2006-04-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

Interestingly, there are no real soap operas surrounding the Mets this season. Last year, we had soooooo many that would make splendid Chick Flicks.

So just to amuse and horrify myself, I shall, in the finest current Hollywood titling trends, create loglines/taglines and titles for the most melodramatic Mets films of 2005!

"A Farewell to Arms, Mask, and Bat"
The Mike Piazza Met Farewell Saga. See a whole city show its love for an aging superstar with the body of an Adonis and the face of a movie star. Will follow with dramatic epilogue of Piazza going into the Hall of Fame with a Mets hat on his plaque.
"But I'm a Centerfielder"
Carlos Beltran vs. Mike Cameron, filled with tension, drama, brave fronts, and culminates in a horrifying face-to-face midair collision.
"Worst at First"
The competition for the World's Worst All-Around First Baseman. Starring David Spade as Doug Mientkiewicz.
"Matchstick Hamstring Men"
Can perenially injured Mets Cliff Floyd, Jose Reyes, and Kaz Matsui avoid injury and actually play baseball? Wince with every stride, every throw, every breath these men make as they risk season-ending injuries on every play.
"The 11-Game Virgin"
When will rookie Anderson Hernandez get his first hit in the Major Leagues? Will he ever get that elusive milestone? Or will he remain a hopeless hitting virgin for his entire career, just like an American League pitcher?
"The Peterson Project"
A tale of hubris and possible forgiveness. Pitching Coach Rick Anderson is reputed to have magical powers, capable of transforming wild, undisciplined pitchers into perennial Cy Young Award winners. But is it magic, or something more sinister?

Ugh, I'm making myself sick now. Let's hope this year that the Mets Chick Flicks are over, and we simply end up with the Greatest Baseball Movie of all time.

METS: LET'S JUGGLE THE LINEUP

2006-04-07T18:55:00.000-07:00

It's time to play "Match Game Lineup!" I think this proposed lineup will manage to accomplish the impossible, specifically:

Fulfill Beltran's love of bunting (and probably get him to relax, he's tight as a Government Budget Analyst)
Stop pretending Reyes is a leadoff hitter (but dang, he's good)
Put their best hitter in the #3 hole, where he can do the most good
Provide protection throughout the lineup
Give Anderson Hernandez some better pitches to hit and hopefully raise his average
Will be unaffected by established platoons

So here is my magical Mets lineup for 2006, the one that will satisfy every player and every fan! (Yeah right.)

Carlos Beltran, CF, SW
He insists he will play the game "his way" no matter what. Since he also claims he loves to bunt, put him at leadoff and let him bunt to his heart's content. He is speedy and smart on the bases, has a good eye and can work the count, and most importantly, will no longer have the job title of "slugger".
Jose Reyes, SS, SW
This kid can hit with power and is a potential fantastic RBI man. However, it would be a crime to waste his speed lower in the order, so #2 is a good spot to balance his power and speed.
David Wright, 3B, R
Convention says to put your best hitter here: can get on base, can move the runners, and can drive them in. Also can hit for average, can hit for power, and won't clog up the basepaths. This, by definition, is David Wright.
Carlos Delgado, 1B, L
Traditionally your longest hitter and best RBI man. Delgado is not only a perennial 30 homer/100 RBI threat, he is clearly the most powerful and intimidating man on the team.
Cliff Floyd, LF, L
Usually your second-best RBI man. Cliff is a 25 homer/90RBI man, and provides genuine protection to the cleanup spot. You pitch around Delgado, you got someone nearly as dangerous to deal with next. Cliff completes the most potent 2-3-4-5 combination in the league.
Xavier Nady, RF, R (or Victor Diaz)
Hitting over .500 with some power, but obviously that won't last. Either of these men would be a power threat of 20 homers/70 RBIs, enough to protect Floyd by being good enough hitters to make opposing teams pay if they pitch around him.
Anderson Hernandez, 2B, SW
Currently an automatic out. Perhaps moving him up and having LoDuca, a good contact man, behind him, would improve the pitches he is seeing. But it gets him out of the 8-hole, and prevents having two weak hitters in a row, making it a real soft spot in this otherwise explosive lineup.
Paul LoDuca, C, R (or Ramon Castro)
See previous batter. Also, he is far more likely to "clear" the pitcher's spot -- getting on base with two outs, so that the pitcher does not lead off the next inning.
pitcher

The 6 and 8 spots are easily swappable as well -- see how that makes this lineup immune to the standard platoons? I am soooooo clever.

METS: WILD UNSUBSTANTIATED PREDICTIONS, YEAR 3

2006-04-03T18:41:00.000-07:00

Opening day! So much positive to blog about, so little negative to grumble and mope about. I've long since had my fill of springtime baseball and its lackluster, indifferent play, opening day has assured me that I indeed love watching dem Mets.

In previous years, I joined the ranks of self-important bloggers by making my fearless season predictions. My first was in 2004, when I went 4-for-8, and my next in 2005, where I went 2-for-6. So here goes with my grenade of predictions for the Mets 2006:

TOM GLAVINE WILL WIN 16-20 GAMES

I really, really liked what I saw today from Mr. Glavine. Finally free of non-baseball issues, and with a good bullpen and great defense behind him, and finally having made the adjustments necessary for a 40-year-old pitcher (even the Legendary Tom Seaver had to to reach 311 wins), he is headed for a career year.
CARLOS BELTRAN WILL PUT UP THE EXACT SAME NUMBERS AS LAST YEAR.
He's not a bust, but he's simply not good enough to be hitting higher than sixth or seventh in this powerful, deep lineup. Then again, since Beltran seems so enamored of his "bunting game", maybe he should be down in the #8-hole, where light-hitting self-labeled "bunting specialist" would be most useful.
- His defense, particularly his throwing game, is getting worse. He just threw to third base with one out and no chance to catch the runner, allowing the go-ahead run to advance to second. This is the sort of thing that loses games.
- And now he just hit a two-run homer and got a curtain call out of it. This is the first time I've seen a Met homer that I didn't leap off the couch to whoop and clap and cheer -- boy, I geuninely must not like this guy. Besides, it was off a 78-mph nothing fastball.
JOSE REYES & DAVID WRIGHT WILL START IN THE ALL-STAR GAME.
These kids are exciting to watch, and have the skills to impress every baseball fan in the world. I love watching Reyes waste energy jumping around like a little kid. Plus I predict their infectious smiles will get them on the covers of GQ, Sports Illustrated, and TigerBeat magazines before the year's out.
WINNER OF THE 2ND BASE SWEEPSTAKES: KAZ MATSUI
Don't get me wrong, I'm really, really wowed by Anderson Hernandez's defensive work at second base. And I like his demeanor and energy and youth. But it's painfully obvious to me that he can't hit major league pitching yet. Matsui will be back next week barring complications; can handle a bat very well, especially bunting and going the other way; is a switch-hitter; and his lifetime .240 average is a lot better than Hernandez's .050 (and falling) lifetime clip. And Kaz's defense isn't THAT bad, no worse than, say, Steve Sax?:D
AARON HEILMAN IN, VICTOR ZAMBRANO OUT.The pattern I've seen in Zambrano's pitching is three good innings, followed by one terrible one that loses the game. This sounds to me like a much better "long man" out of the bullpen, and not someone to use in the rotation unless you don't have any other choice (anyone remember the 1978 Mets?). Heilman re-earned his stripes with a great season in 2005; perhaps one day we'll hear why the Mets don't trust him in the rotation, followed by the ultimate apology of reinstating him. I think Zambrano will make the choice easy very soon.

Not much more to predict. Carlos Delgado and Paul LoDuca will be the Mets spiritual/professional leaders; Pedro Martinez will be their best pitcher; Xavier Nady, Beltran, and Cliff Floyd will be among the best defensive outfields in the league; Wright and Reyes will be incredible offensive forces, perhaps the next step in their young Hall of Fame careers; and Julio Franco's birth certificate will be unearthed from an ancient Aztec ziggurat, revealing his true age to be roughly 5.6 billion years.

Oh ... and the Mets win the NL pennant by six games. Boy, I hope I'm right!

ME ON "THE SUITE LIFE" THIS WEEKEND

2006-03-27T23:39:00.000-08:00

That's right, thanks to reader BernieRA, I now know my episode of "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" will be airing either this Friday, March 31, or April 2.

I also just shot an episode of "The Drake and Josh Show" on Nickelodeon, entitled "Josh Runs Into Oprah", which will hopefully be aired soon, too. The episode of "Jake in Progress" that I shot in January has no scheduled airdate yet -- primarily because the show was cancelled the same day I shot the episode -- but there was some noise that it would likely be shown sometime during the summer. We can only hope.

Drop me a line if you catch the show! I've been doing this for over a decade, and I still get a huge kick whenever I pop up on the screen. Even when it was in the brilliant comedic farce (gag) "The Princess Diaries 2".

BELTRAN FOR MANAGER

2006-03-25T01:04:00.000-08:00

Carlos Beltran is able to beat the crap out of me (and probably even my entire skeleton), but thankfully, I am safely far, far away from him, and can hide behind the relative anonymity of the Internet to say the following:

Beltran is an idiot. A selfish, ignorant, unrepentant fool who thinks he is smarter than the manager. In the case of Willie Randolph, he may be right, but that's besides the point (and for another post).

According to an article in NY Newsday, Beltran once again sacrifice-bunted in a hugely inappropriate situation. Two on, nobody out, first inning, and Beltran, supposedly a power-hitting #3 hitter, lays down a bunt on the first pitch. Randolph didn't signal for a bunt, either -- Beltran did it on his own.

The only time that is a sound strategy is when you are facing a Hall of Fame pitcher like Roger Clemens, John Smoltz, or Dontrelle Willis. Historically, you must score early against pitchers of that calibre, because they get tougher as the game progresses.

Otherwise, it's generally considered bad baseball strategy to resort to such conservative baseball so early in a game. With the heart of the order, generally loaded with three guys who are your best at driving in runs, you give them the green light to hit. That's fundamental statistics, called "playing the percentages."

When questioned about that after the game, Beltran replied as he always does: "That's how I play the game."

Considering his lifetime statistics, Beltran isn't anywhere near good enough to say such a thing. He isn't a lifetime .300 hitter; he isn't a lifetime 30-homer guy; he isn't anything close to being a team leader by example, charisma, or interviewing skills. He's a good player, but he ain't no superstar, and he hasn't shown any aptitude for managing, strategy, or even of good judgement.

I point to his insistance on staying in the lineup with a torn leg muscle last year, so instead of taking two weeks to heal and play at 100%, he played three months at 50%, hurting the team far worse than he would have had he taken the two weeks off. Bad judgement. As bad as Mike Cameron doing the same macho nonsense the year before.

Now, if I were managing the Mets (I may as well wish for ten million dollars while I'm at it, sigh), I would fine Beltran a thousand bucks each time he bunts in even a marginally questionable situation, unless I specifically told him to lay down a sacrifice.

Why? Because I'm the goddamn manager, and by goddamn, the players better do what I tell them to. It's my job, not the player's, to make strategic decisions. I'm paid to know better and know more than my players, and to think and plan ahead for an entire nine innings at a time.

As the manager, my team must play my kind of baseball. If Beltran refuses, he can just gather splinters on the bench, because a player who ignores orders will hurt the team. Period.

Okay Carlos, I'm waiting for you to come and rip my skeleton out of my body with one hand. I'd still be right, though. You ain't the manager, and you shouldn't even hint that you think you are.

METS: SPRING TRAINING BLAHS

2006-03-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

Spring Training games are dull. I have watched the last two WB11 telecasts, of course, and eagerly anticipated their starting times out here in Los Angeles, CA (receiving them thanks to Dish Network Local Channels), and have been unpleasantly struck by the indifference of the players, the broadcasters, and especially of myself.

All I can really talk about is the unexpected development that losing Kris Benson and Jae Weong Seo from the rotation hasn't seemed to have been a liability. Their minor league replacements of Brian Bannister and Mike Pelfrey have looked wonderful; Aaron Heilman, Tom Glavine, and Steve Tracshel have also looked very good.

Of the rest of the starters, Victor Zambrano has been pitching in the WBC, so who knows what he's been like. Pedro Martinez, we can just hope he'll be ready, and spend our time thinking of new inventions to save his toe from that well-documented pounding it takes on every pitch. How about a steel-toed shoe? Or putting little tiny seatbelts and airbags around his toes to keep them from getting slammed around?

Meanwhile, watching reliever Jorge Julio has been downright frightening. His motion is violent and undisciplined, and his pitches land everywhere, including in the batter's ribcage. Pedro Feliciano's appearance today was encouraging for the Mets left-handed reliever corps.

And that's it for today's dredging of the baseball blogging barrel. I am itching - itching - for the season to get started.

METS: NATIONAL PRIDE VS PRO CAREER

2006-03-14T18:28:00.000-08:00

I've come up with my own reason to dislike this "World Baseball Classic". All these Mets that are playing for these national teams (wearing uniforms copped from the finest high school designers, right down to the letters on the Korean caps coming off due to bad iron-on transfer technology) are not in camp.

At this point, there are three weeks left in spring training, and not only are several of the Mets regulars not around -- several of the guys who were supposedly hoping to get a job aren't, either.

Jorge Julio, for example, came to the Mets in the Anna Benson deal. He is a big question mark, in real danger of getting released, demoted to the minors, or who knows, perhaps even sold to the Korean baseball league. The only way he could win a job this year with the Mets would be if he:

1) Came to spring training.
2) Worked with the coaching staff.
3) Played in exhibition games in front of the Mets decision makers to show that he's not washed up, that he pitches well enough to be given a coveted spot on a major league roster -- an honor only a few hundred guys get every year.

To be honest, he didn't accomplish any of these things this spring. So nobody on the team knows what he can do, or even if he speaks English or Spanish or Portugeuse or Penguin. I myself have no idea what he even looks like.

It seems to me that established veterans can go to an exhibition like the World Baseball Classic without any issues. Their spots are guaranteed on their respective rosters; guys like Jose Reyes, Carlos Delgado & Beltran, Jae Weong Seo, Miguel Tejada, Mike Piazza, etc. don't need the spring training grind to prove that they deserve to be on the team.

Rookies, marginal players, guys who need the six weeks of spring training to show their teams that they deserve a shot, are essentially commiting professional suicide by playing in the WBC. And what do they get in return for walking out of camp for three or four weeks?

"National Pride." As the saying goes, that and three bucks will buy you a cup of nonfat no whip decaf mocha at the local Starbuck's.

This may be the first time I'm in any sort of accord with George Steinbrenner. The WBC doesn't serve anyone. It's a glorified sandlot league, and it takes away from the serious business of some players who should really be worrying about working on their professional careers -- not their pro exhibition careers.

METS HO!

2006-03-06T10:18:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, I'm happy. I'm watching the Mets vs. the Indians right now on ESPN. After so many months away, after reading so many uninteresting blog posts about the Mets, after enduring fluff piece after fluff piece in the NY Times and their ilk, there is finally something going on in the Mets universe worth blogging about.

Sure, the team did a lot of trades this winter. They let a lot of people go. But that's not the stuff I think is worth blogging about.

The most fun I have blogging about the Mets is when I observe something on my own. The same goes when I read other bloggers: I really enjoy those that have their own observations and opinions formed while watching the team play. Bloggers who simply provide rehashes of games, or summaries of news stories on mets.com, or just grind the same axe with every post ... well, I'll just read the stories on mets.com.

Back to blogging. Today's game is really all about the springtime competition for second base and right field. Anderson Hernandez and Jeff Keppinger are playing at short and second, repectively, and both have muffed their first chances. Ground balls rolled up their arms and bounced off their chests -- hey, and now Indians second baseman muffed a routine ground ball by Chris Woodward. Hm. Perhaps the infield dirt stinks? Sounds like the dirt at Shea.

At this point, the only difference I can really see in the competing pairs is energy. Both Keppinger and Victor Diaz are low-key, low-personality types, virtually invisible as they walk by. Serious stonefaces.

In contrast, Hernandez is a barely contained tightly coiled spring, and Xavier Nady has an on-field intensity to him kinda like Keith Hernandez back in 1985-89.

None of that has anything to do with baseball. But in this neck-and-neck-and-neck-and-neck competition for these two jobs, with none of these guys especially great players, Nady and Hernandez make it much easier to root for them than Diaz and Kepp do.

Maybe we'll even get a glimpse of Kazuo Matsui sometime, whose only real "edge" is the fact that he draws such ire from the fans.

TEETH AND AUDITIONS

2006-02-13T20:55:00.000-08:00

It never fails. Get periodontal surgery ... get an audition the next freaking day.

I finally went for my needed minor surgery to get a diseased tooth fixed. (A heap of curses on my old dentist, who ten years ago neglected to examine/repair the tooth that had been damaged by an impacted wisdom tooth.) There are thick strips of some white material holding my gums and teeth together now, kinda like wearing a quarter of a mouth guard.

Whatever drug they gave me really blasted me into incoherence. I seem to remember being in a wheelchair at some point during the day, but I have no memory of the surgery; of leaving the doctor's office; of getting into the car; of giving directions to my mom and girlfriend to drive us home; of getting out of the car; of walking up the stairs, through the front gate, or coming into the apartment.

I do remember feeling like my ass was being sucked down every time I sat on the couch, though.

Right on cue, two hours later, my agent called with an audition in Hollywood tomorrow. IBM, business casual, no suit and tie, call to confirm.

It's been a hellish week in some ways. I returned from a great trip to Carmel and Salinas, CA on the 5th, and two days later, I was suffering horribly from either food poisoning or stomach flu (I think it was the former). How horribly? I lost somewhere between 5 and 15 pounds of pure water weight from the bowel symptoms.

Nice to be back down to my current weight, though.

WHAT MAKE A GOOD AUDITION?

2006-01-18T19:55:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, I went to the 20th Century Fox Studios to audition for the role of an E.R. doctor on the sitcom "Jake In Progress". I had several things that made me feel I had a very good shot at getting it:

1. The same casting director had cast me in "How I Met Your Mother" just a couple of months ago.
2. This was a "Producer's Session" - meaning I was in the final round of auditions.
3. I had met the Producers in another such session just weeks before.
4. This casting director is a huge sumo wrestling fan - and I knew someone who could get her free tickets to the LA Sumo Party in April.

Realistically, none of this matters. You could book something the first time you ever meet a casting person; you could be the child of the casting director and never book a thing with them. Still, it's nice to have a few confidence-builders going in, meaningless though they may be.

I went in relaxed, happy, confident -- and immediately blew my first line.

The line was "All in all, you're quite a lucky young lady." Me, I said -- to the very pretty young casting assistant reading with me -- "All in all, you're quite a YUCKY young lady."

Ten years ago, I would have frozen in self-disgust and immediately beat myself up for my blunder. Last Friday, I stopped, laughed at myself, and asked to start again as all three of the auditioners laughed at my memorable screwup. We resumed the audition -- I managed to say my line correctly -- and as I thanked them and turned to leave.

Then I tripped on the casting couch and nearly fell on the way out.
An hour later, my agent called to tell me that I booked the job. Then she called two hours later to tell me that the writers had eliminated my role. Then she called another hour later to tell me that they might bring my character back to life, stand by until Tuesday.

I spent the weekend working on NYSMF stuff and watching Dragonball DVDs. My policy of shrugging off stuff I couldn't control was in full force.

Tuesday morning, my agent called with the good news: I was going to work Friday on "Jake in Progress"! Already my second booking of the year in the third week of January!

Who knows what makes for a good audition? After this experience, there seems to be no answer. Except simply to DO it.

NOTHING IN RESERVE

2006-01-07T00:18:00.000-08:00

IT'S A SWEET SUITE LIFE
And here I thought I had already started out the year great, with three auditions in three days. I actually one-upped myself already.

I booked the role of the Singing Waiter on "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody", which airs on the Disney Channel! The year is not even a week old, and I have already scored my first 2006 acting job.

Although I find gloating about auditions mean and petty, I found myself doing just that after the audition for this role. The two guys ahead of me were nice fellows; we chatted a bit, were polite and professional and friendly. Then I heard their auditions -- and I KNEW that I had this in the bag.

Remember, this is for a TV show that is known for its over-the-top style, filled with humor that kids ages 3 to 11 find hiliarious. In addition, the character description specifically says the waiter is REALLY happy. Overly cheerful. Broadway Wannabe.

You all know this guy already. You've encountered him in every TGI Friday's from coast to coast. The waiter/actor who tries to be Robin Williams on a caffeine high, and just is really, really pathetic and annoying. But always frighteningly chipper.

From what I heard, those first two guys did waiters who were afraid their boss would fire them for talking too loudly.

I must emphasize, however, that nothing those guys did would have changed how I did my own audition. I am a good singer, and I LOVE to belt out songs for no apparant reason. And every actor should love to grab the chance to ham it up in front of a casting director. Those sorts of roles are rare for someone as calm-looking as me, so when I am given the chance to blow off the roof, I use grenades, not sparklers.

The door opened. The previous auditionee exited, and I entered. One or more of the show's producers were in the audition -- usually a privilege reserved for the SECOND audition -- and when they said "action", Keisuke Hoashi disappeared and this moronically happy Waiter pranced into the scene. He belted out two little songs (both about pizza), shaking the entire office with his operatic vibrato; gave a little Manhattan Transfer quasi-recitativo fermata; and took their order for a 7-Meat Pizza. Happily. Cheerfully. With frightening chipper-ness.

The next day, my agent called and told me I got the job. The producers had hired me to work three full days on "The Suite Life"!

I certainly don't mean to poke fun at the other auditionees. But what I did in this audition is something we all should strive for in EVERY audition, no matter what the situation.

I don't mean that you should scare the daylights out of your examiner with your unbounded optimism. I do mean that you should prepare for your interview well, and then do the interview with everything you've got. Don't hold back, don't keep anything "in reserve", don't worry about what the other person did before you or what the next person will do after you.

Seriously, it's all about YOU in these situations. With each actor that came through that door, the casting people and the producers wanted that actor to completely and totally blow them away. They want YOU to seize that role and make it clear that YOU are the best person for it.

It's worth reminding myself every so often. And look: it lets me tell you to watch for me in episode #215 of "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody", entitled "Twins at the Tipton".

Back to work on Monday morning, when we actually shoot my scenes! I'm looking forward to getting my photo taken with Dylan and Cole Sprouse. And Dan and Don Stanton.

IT'S A HAPPY NEW YEAR ALREADY!

2006-01-04T01:27:00.000-08:00

... Really, I'm not kidding. I have not one, but TWO auditions for tomorrow!

AUDITION #1. EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS.

I get to play a Japanese businessman at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, speaking Japanese to a bunch of his cheering cohorts. If ever you can imagine a Japanese businessman cheering? Yah, that sounds like me, all right.

AUDITION #2. THE SUITE LIFE.

In this, I get to be an overly peppy waiter at a pizza joint. Plus, I get to sing! It's just like any theatre audition where you're told to sing one uptempo and one ballad -- except here, they haven't told me what tune to sing the words to. Which means i get to sing freeform, yee ha! (Fortunately, it's for a Disney show, so I can rip off their popular tunes.)

It's a wonderful return to normalcy for me. I've been working so hard and intensely on the NYSMF stuff, plus I've been thinking of actually updating my Memoirs of a Geisha.org website with some actually interesting topics.

I've almost forgotten what my regular life is like. And I do so like it.

I'll let you know how they go, but this is the absolute perfect way to start off the New Year. Two auditions in the very first week of 2006! Boy, I'm glad I didn't fly back to NYC this holiday season. Nice to see the Universe has a nice sense of balance -- miss out on seeing the old family and friends, but catch two great job opps instead.

To bed. Got to be rested for my big day. Happy New Year, everyone, and I hope your lives are just as good as mine all year long!

A SURPRISE BOOKING

2005-12-14T22:59:00.000-08:00

I got a completely unexpected call the other day. The producer of an independent film cast me at the last minute, so I get to wake up early and report to the set at 8:15 am tomorrow!

As an indy/SAG low budget film, I only get paid a hundred bucks. But then again, I will only have to be there an hour or two, and all I'm doing is saying one line.

Quite a long stretch from "The Princess Diaries 2", where I had to wake up earlier, drive a much longer way, and make nearly eight times as much money for saying even fewer lines.

This is a pretty good life, no? And all I have to do is go on auditions that take 20 seconds every week or so.

HOW TO BLOW AN AUDITION

2005-12-14T00:29:00.000-08:00

Today's audition promised to be a fun one. For Alaska Airlines & Disneyland, the script called for two young children coming up to their mom one morning in the kitchen, and telling her "Look, kids fly free to Disneyland. Can we go?" She replies, "Let me ask your father..."

Suddenly, you hear the dad (ME) offstage yell, "What?????", and then the sounds of him blundering his way down to the kitchen -- thumps, bangs, crashes, cats squealing indignantly as their tails get stomped. The dad bursts into the kitchen and happily yells, "Are you serious?"

No problem, right? And I was happy to dress for the part: blue plaid flannel sleeping pants, grey tee shirt, bright red bathrobe, and my choo-choo slippers. They make train sounds when you tap the left one juuuuust right.

We did three separate takes, each one a little bit different, each time making the changes that I was directed to do. Then came the fourth take ... and as I ran into position on camera and gasped out my line, I completely forgot what the casting director had asked me to do.

I froze, frantically searching my mind for the simple, one-sentence direction he had asked me to do. Was it to cheer? No, that was the first take. To jump around? No, he said he didn't want anything over the top and fake like that. To say something witty, like "we're off!" or "let's get packing!" and tie your bathrobe belt shut? No, we did that earlier, too.

So I just smiled and did little thumbs'-up gestures until he said "Cut, thank you."

One of the more annoying things that an actor can do is NOT LISTEN. To NOT take direction. To NOT do what the director has directed you to do.

Another very annoying thing that actors do is to suddenly look into the camera and say, "Cut, that sucked, let's do that again." That is never the actor's job, because they actor can't see how things look in the camera. Many a great take has been ruined by actors suddenly deciding that they are the Director. And many an actor has been fired or blacklisted or scorned because of this.

I soooooo wanted to say, "I'm sorry, I forgot the direction. May we do that again? And what was the direction again?" And I probably could have. But I let the moment pass, and just looked like I didn't know what to do. Gah.

I left, feeling kinda stupid, and called my agent. Who informed me that she had reviewed my last commercial (Southwest Airlines), and discovered that it was going to be broadcast in the same region as Alaska Airlines.

Commercial actors are not allowed to perform in more than one commercial at a time for any one product. For example, earlier this year I did a commercial for DirecTV; that meant that for as long as that DirecTV spot runs, I cannot audition for, or accept work for, any commercial for any other television provider. That includes Adelphia, Dish Network, Tivo, Comcast, etc.

So I am off the hook no matter how badly I messed up in my audition today. I can't take the job anyway!

And I only just remembered what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to smile and walk off, whistling a favorite Disney tune. (Real tough to remember, huh?) Glad to see the Universe enjoys its little jokes like this. Or do I just need to start taking gingkoboloba memory enhancer pills along with other geriatric drugs?

LEMONS INTO LEMONADE

2005-12-08T19:41:00.000-08:00

At today's audition for the show "Eve", I was instructed to play an overzealous Asian-American anatomy student named Patrick. In the script itself, he was told by his instructor, "You got the grade, quit sucking up."

I walked onto the Paramount Studios lot at 11:15am, fifteen minutes before my audition time, and found the casting office easily. One other actor was already waiting; I nodded hello, signed my name on the list, took a seat, and started working on figuring out just WHO this Patrick fellow is.

Moments later, another actor walked in. Instantly, the first actor came to life, and the other responded in precise Asian-Amerian Actor harmony. Here's the transcript of their deep, meaningful conversation (names may have been changed to protect myself from their fearsome wrath):

ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #1: Hey, Jim!
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #2: Hey Jeff. Good to see you.
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #1: Congratulations on that "Gilmore Girls."
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #2: Yeah, thanks man.
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #1: Who did you work with on that, was it Roger?
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #2: No, it was Ryun.
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #1: Isn't he great?
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #2: Yeah.
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #1: So are you going to that thing tonight? That director is going to be there.
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #2: Which one?
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #1: You know, Carl Yu, or Yuan ... oh man, I would LOVE to work with him.
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #2: Yeah, me too.
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #3: (entering) Hey, Jeff!
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #1: Dan!
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #2: Yo Dan.
ASIAN AMERICAN ACTOR #3: What's up? You still working at ...

I can't report any more of this brilliant banter because I abruptly stood, walked down the hall as far as I could, and sat down in a chair there. I was busily scribbling down on a pad of paper all the things that Patrick was hearing in the Clinical Anatomy lecture in which he was during the second scene. According to the script, it was all about the autonomic nervous system, and Patrick was going to raise his hand to ask a question.

WHAT question, though? That's what I was working on. Rather than just making something up completely or somewhat at random, I have much more fun figuring out the psychology of a character and the reality of their situation to help answer such things. And listening to two utter nobodies (like me) trying to impress each other by performing pathetically bad name-dropping wasn't helping me at all.

No sooner was I done sneering silently at them did I have to supress a giggle. Why? Because there I sat, working hard at figuring out how Patrick behaved, writing, scribbling, thinking -- and at the other end of the hall, were three ... no wait, there were eight of them, now ... typical Actors, all of whom were sucking up to each other with all the enthusiasm of a Patrick.

I'm constantly having to re-learn this attitude: rather than letting a setting, a person, a situation, a group, or anything bring down your mood, you can always turn it around, and put it to work for you.

It really is turning lemons into lemonade. Makes life taste a whole lot better, too.

UNCOMFORTABLY NUMB

2005-12-03T00:13:00.000-08:00

We premiered our show, "A North Hollywood Canteen Holiday!", at 8:15pm tonight. We've got a nice little mini-hit on our hands: while the audience response was not overwhelming, it was pleasantly positive.

I had my doubts. Not because of the show itself, but because of my horrible physical condition today.

I went to bed at 11:30pm Thursday night, as I had to wake at 5:30am to get to my Southwest Airlines commercial shoot the next morning.

At 2:30am, I realized that I had slept less than ten minutes. I had actually been awake long enough to get hungry again, so I wandered downstairs to heat up some leftover soup. I read some email, browsed some web pages, ate some soup, and then went back to bed. I reset the alarm clock to 6am, reasoning that I should get as much sleep as possible for the shoot.

At 5:40am, I had slept another five minutes. Off went the blankets again, and I dragged myself into the shower to get ready to drive 25 miles into downtown LA.

I arrived at the shoot location around 6:45am. The drive had been mildly terrifying: I could feel that although I was awake, I was not nearly as alert as I normally am, and didn't feel as in control of the car as I should to feel safe. By the end of the ride, I was feeling a numb buzzing in my fingertips, a clear symptom of my exhuastion, and a slight nausea and tightness throughout my whole body.

More later. I am starting to feel that way again, and must, must, must get some sleep. RIGHT NOW. Nighty night, more tomorrow faithful subscribers!

COMMERCIAL BOOKING #11 OF 2005!

2005-11-30T23:32:00.000-08:00

I just booked my 11th commercial of the year!!!

It is for Southwest Airlines, and is being produced by Harvest Films (who also cast me in a pair of ING commercials in March).

The campaign is all about the ease of getting free flights on Southwest. You will see people in everyday life, dressed as if they are already on their scuba trip, spa trip, ski vacation, etc. The joke? Nobody around them even notices.

I auditioned for the role of the "Hot Dog Vendor office guy". This vendor is in downtown LA, selling hot dogs from his pushcart -- yet he is dressed in full scuba gear, mask, snorkel, flippers, who knows, maybe even a Speedo. Me? I'll walk up, ask for a dog with kraut, red onions, and ketchup -- perhaps even a little deli mustard -- pay for it, thank him, maybe chat idly about the weather, and leave, munching a delicious redhot, not noticing anything unusual going on.

The fellow running the first audition emphasized, over and over, that there would be NO "acting" going on in this spot. They wanted us to audition by being as real as possible: no big expressions, no over-the-top movements, no wacky voices, nothing. "You're just a guy buying a hot dog, and the guy in scuba gear is nothing special," was the direction we got.

... So this means that I got this role on the strength of my ability NOT to act.

Imagine what this means as a french horn player. You would go into an audition for the London Philharmonic, and they would tell you, "Please play the french horn without LOOKING like you are playing the french horn."

Anyone else think this is a weird, weird, weird profession?

I love my life. Thanks Harvest! Thanks Southwest Airlines!

ONLY THREE HOLES LEFT

2005-11-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

Stunning news happens quickly with the Mets. In the last 24 hours, they have apparantly filled their hole at first base with Carlos Delgado, and their sinkhole at "closer" with Billy Wagner!

So long, Mike Jacobs, we hardly knew ye, but you had a swing as big as Jason Phillips or Jeromy Burnitz -- and unless you learned better to control that swing, the major league pitchers would soon find the hole in it, just as JP and JB encountered. Good luck and thanks for the nice pot of coffee this past season.

What's left? If Kaz Matsui can't learn to deal with the breaking ball, second base is still up for grabs. Anderson Hernandez was badly overmatched in his few games there in the majors, so he's not the answer, not quite yet. Jeff Keppinger is a possibility, but I just wasn't a fan of him -- possibly because he was a fave of Art Howe.

Catcher? Is there any chance of re-signing Mike Piazza for a year? Those other guys offered 3-year contracts just don't seem as good as him. Especially in this Delgado-ed lineup, where Mike would finally be surrounded by dangerous hitters again.

Right field? Does anyone seriously expect Xavier Nady to still be with the team by spring training? I sure don't. Victor Diaz looks to be a disaster waiting to happen out in right -- maybe he'll return to his original position, second base, and Matsui will be sent to right. Heck, everyone out there for the past few years has been an untrained right fielder, why not do another one? And if so ... why not give Lastings Milledge a try?

It's quite the top of the lineup now:

SS Jose Reyes
CF Carlos Beltran
3B David Wright
1B Carlos Beltran
LF Cliff Floyd
C (Mike Piazza -- sigh --, Ramon Castro)
RF (Victor Diaz, Xavier Nady, Lastings Milledge)
2B (Kaz Matsui, Jeff Keppinger)

What a team, what a team.

ACTING ON THANKSGIVING

2005-11-24T02:51:00.000-08:00

As I type this, I am exhausted, but cannot go to bed until about 3 am, when the carrot bisque I am preparing for tomorrow's dinner finishes its cooking process. I will then have to transfer the soup -- made of carrots, scallions, mushrooms, celery, bacon (mmmmm), thyme, chicken stock, and bay leaf -- into a blender, where it will be pureed into a smooth, bright orange soup. It's a huge hit.

I have already created the desserts:

1. Chocolate amaretto mousse, made with espresso and Toblerone bittersweet chocolate (which contains hazelhuts and nougat)
2. Lemon mousse

Normally, the desserts would have been done by Monday night, as mousses really benefit from a couple of days of sitting in the fridge. Their flavors become richer, more complex, and mindblowingly good.

This isn't a typical thanksgiving. Due to the overwhelming rehearsal schedule for this Holiday show, I didn't feel up to having a dinner party in between four-hour rehearsals. Kristen and I had been planning on going to the gym, possibly cooking a turkey breast sitting in the freezer, and watching "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" at 8 pm.

The show's director just decided on Monday to kill the Friday night rehearsal. This unexpected freedom dissolved my reluctance to cook, and I instantly started inviting people over for dinner.

NOw I'm blogging really, really, really late at night, because I wasn't able even to SHOP for groceries until about 9:30pm -- only about five hours ago. I needed to go to two different markets, too, to find affordable turkeys and such.

My mind is drifting. Is it time to finish the soup yet? I'm exhausted!